Wednesday, January 26, 2005

It's quite one thing to have your hair rebonded, relaxed, softened, whatever.

It's quite another to have an online female friend telling you that she thinks of you as more than a friend (though, this friend I'm neutral against), as well as a female classmate (who's straight, and has a boyfriend, but is so feminine) telling you that during the PTC (piece-to-camera) you did that the way you tie up your rebonded hair and the blouse you wear coupled with a skirt (was wearing pants at that time) made you look hot.

HOT! *imagine a strong emphasis on the word*

*raises brows* I will make quite a few things clear:

1. I AM NOT SEXY
2. I AM NOT HOT
3. I WENT FOR THE REBONDING AGAINST MY WISHES
4. THE DAMNED HAIR'S GIVING ME ONE FUCKLOAD OF INCONVENIENCES

What's the worst thing? That I get this nagging feeling that I'm starting to enjoy these. And fuck, I ain't gonna let that happen. I know myself--if not totally--then pretty well. And I know how I am such an extremist.

So, no more. I am who I am--hair's not going to go through anymore shit. Neither am I.




Monday, January 24, 2005

Honestly? I'm sick and tired of dealing with people who keep whining and whining and don't take any sides about things, especially when having an opinion costs them NOTHING.

It's fucking annoying, and makes me pissed like hell.

Said people are many.

*growls*

#####

Another note, sometimes, I wonder if I'm mad for having bonds. Well, I mean, I believe they are there, but doubt sometimes comes in. And then, because all my bonds are those who are so self-confident, they fel no need to shout out to me to reaffirm their existance...

And then, some friends, who have bonds too...I find what they say pretty ridiculous, for some reason...




Monday, January 17, 2005

I was thinking about Wolf only just. Wondering.

He's a wild creature. But being bonded to me, IS me, does it hurt him? Does it hurt that he has to remain constrained by some idiotic creature that's me?

I'd like to think that there's love between Wolf and me. But I don't want to assume. And, I don't want him to feel obliged. I long for Wolf's love, but if he doesn't, I refuse to force him to stay.

Burnout.

Green trees.

Open skies.

Plains.

Wind.

Flight.

Freedom.




Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Certain changing relationships between one of my soulbonds and I have me feeling suspicious, surprised, almost-glad, and kind of contented, all at the same time.

I had a dream this morning. But, it was less like a dream and more like some form of cross-worlding. Because, I usually know that I'm dreaming, and know what a dream feels like. This didn't feel like a dream. Period.

Apparently, I went into AT's world, where I found ourselves in a scene I had written for a piece of fanfiction (of sorts) in that fandom. I was sick, slightly feverish, and we were hiding out at the basement of this old stone fortress because he was a criminal. I was there only because I'd given my word that I'd stay, and I wasn't one to break any promise I'd given, criminal or no.

I had lain on an old couch, with my face against the backrest. But when I woke up, somehow, I'd turned over, so that I faced out. Only, there was no 'out,' because what I faced was AT's body. He had laid down behind/in-front-of me when I was sleeping, and I had no doubt that that action was deliberate.

I saw his usual attire of snakeskin-designed shirt, loosely buttoned to reveal his chest.

Only thing is: I did something rather out of character, even for a 'dream'-me; even for a mindscape-me. I felt sensual, and there was that attraction between us. I trailed my fingers upon his chest, moving my hand over it. He didn't do anything, just remained still, and watched me. And, I felt as if he was interested, pondering, being introspective. I then unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, but didn't push it away.

What confused me (yet pleased me) was that there was no feeling or sexual arousal involved. There was sensuality, yes. But for a person like AT, it was almost-respectful, something I would NEVER have expected. Not from *him*. And I would NEVER have expected him to be attracted, not to me.

That's why I'm suspicious.

Also, that's why I'm confused.




Friday, January 07, 2005

Everytime I read DV.'s blog, I shudder in disgust at his pathetic attempts to write his posts in more lyrical English. I mean, okay, fine, we all go through pathetic attempts before getting better in anything, but it doesn't mean that I can't shudder at these.

Bleah!




Thursday, January 06, 2005

I really appreciate some members of the pack. Especially Or.

I've been rather sick lately, what with late nights, skipped meals, and one whole load of projects to handle.

I was complaining about multimedia again, and Or. offered to write the whole term paper for me. Again.

I'm really touched, and I really appreciate it. I mean, yeah, the work's all mine. Obligation's on me alone. But he offered, and though it's not really taxing to him, I still appreciate it all the same. But no, I didn't allow him to write the paper. Though right and wrong are arbitrary, letting him do the work and submitting it as my piece is wrong to ME.

However, he's given me some guidelines on what I can include in my contents, and that's rather enough already. He didn't have to do that, but he did.

Thanks.




Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I love you, Wolf.




Monday, January 03, 2005

I keep thinking it's not really all-too-possible to love a few people romantically. I mean...well...I love K., who's a guy. And I love G., who's a girl. Romantic love, yes. Also, platonic love.

Dang. I'm confusing myself. I blame that on the burnout I'm suffering from, and the slight fever/cough/whatever that's afflicting me.

But, I know that if Wolf ever takes form in this world, I'll love him with death. That's not sadistic, nor is it bad. People who know me knows that I love death over life; and that I believe that death is definitely not the end.

Wolf knows it, too. He knows who I am, because he's been with me for a long time. He knows I love him, and I think that he does love me back. Before a romantic relationship can occur for anyone, my take is that there must first be friendship/platonic love, before that romance can occur. Wolf and I have become so familiar with each other that he's extremely patient with most of my foibles, and for my part, I tone down a lot on my cynical side and my violence and anger, giving respect to Wolf.

I'll get myself healed from this burnout, and then see if we can communicate more, understanding each other more...

First off: testing, testing.

I don't know why, but I felt so prissy and annoyed and tortured today I didn't want to talk to S. I bought lunch and went somewhere to sit alone, where I could see a lot of trees lining the resevoir, and the trees helped to calm me down a bit.

Y'know, those people who treat me as a friend? I've got absolutely no obligation to treat them like a friend, if I don't think I want to, if I don't think they deserve it.

And, honestly, even after a year of being 'close,' always hanging out together, choosing the same electives both times, I get so fucking annoyed with her for reasons I think I know. I mean: people always say not to work together in a group if you want to keep the friendship, right? And yea, but that's only part of the reason.

I find her more snobbish lately. High and mighty. Like, she has to do everything her way even when the majority says otherwise.

I've forgotten how eating alone and being alone can be so enjoyable and peaceful, without commitments, without obligations.

I've got few extremely close friends, and I really wouldn't count her as one of them, despite what anyone else might think.