Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I was having a moment of strong doubt this morn, over relationships, and my ability to handle them. So, I was having this possible scenario playing out in my head, though it seemed and felt very much like a vision instead of just me wondering:

I sat with him on the grassy bank overlooking the lake we frequent. Because we'd decided things weren't working out, we chose to have a talk, and break away amiably. We were sitting side by side, mirroring each other's position, with our arms hugging our own knees.

We wanted to remain friends, but were talking about our fears: how would we know whether a simple touch as friends breaches any lines of intimacy that should be broken when we aren't together anymore?

Then I turned to see a girl standing a distance away, looking at us, and knew that she was the girl he (now) was with. So I told him, "You better go. She's waiting for you, and she seems a bit...jealous. You should talk to her." A pause. "I'd introduce myself to her but she doesn't seem so happy already."

So we got up and walked towards the girl, and he stood beside her. I'd said a simple, "hi," and continued gazing at them. Then I suddenly told him to let me talk to the girl, and he walked away for a bit.

I faced her, and said simply, "You don't have to be jealous of us. He's a great guy. You'll share with him what he shared with me: a part of his life. What we had was real, but it's over. And as you help him, my time with him will fade into the past like the fading of memories. Help him heal. And let him help you heal."

Then I walked away.

What bothered me about this whole...scenario is the fact that it didn't feel as if I imagined it more than it was a vision of sorts, a premonition of things to come, of things to happen. And while I'm not one who believes totally in oracle-ish visions, this one was...disturbing. This one shook me slightly at the core, with promises of pain to come, which I have to bear alone.

It's stupid that I should be so affected by visions and premonitions, especially since I know that Destiny's paths are many, and changing, and that what I saw might not come to pass. But still.

With slightly less than three weeks to the end of internship, the lethargy seems to have rebuilt the wall which first existed between my colleagues and I. I feel more alone, more cut off from them--and from everything else--than ever. I have no mood to do anything, no mood to truly listen. I have no mood to *want* to go on.

Monica told me that Kenny Yong has finished visiting Cheryl and Terry at Reeds, will be visiting her on Wednesday (not sure this or next) and will be coming to visit me soon. When she said that, I couldn't help but give a bitter laugh: what's the point of him coming? What does he hope to achieve?

I realize I've grown even more bitter than I had. I don't like pity nor sympathy from others; empathy is fine only for a while. I don't like it when others say they understand but can help with nothing to alleviate the situation. Don't bother telling me shit when there's nothing you can do. Don't bother saying, "I understand," because, most of the time, you don't. If life is to be so full of changes until one can't catch up with it, then fuck it, what's the point of living it?

With Samhain coming, I hope to be able to get back in touch with my soulbonds, because I miss them a lot. I don't want to lose so much just because they are there but we can't talk. And I keep wanting to be able to get in touch with Ace Cooper (The Magician) and Cosmo, but have never gotten around to doing it. Heh. Maybe I'll talk to Jas or John tonight, and see what we can do.

Apathy's setting in again. I don't care about anything anymore; I just want sleep. And honestly, Monica's attempted and forced cheerfulness is starting to get to me really bad; and I want to shout at her to shut up, that the world won't work itself out, that things won't 'be okay'.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I had another breakdown last night, for reasons I still can't fathom. I don't know what triggered it, but at least it wasn't a big one, though some tears came. But I was able to keep a large amount of control over myself, and handled things okay without anyone knowing about it.

But what I felt was a fear of vulnerability, exhaustion, and an almost-total disgust at myself, with intense lack of self-confidence. I think what worried me the most last night was the potential scolding I might get from Wei Min for losing his key. Although, that worry provided space for self-reflection and introspection regarding an important portion of myself: the lack of self-confidence.

I've never had the level of self-confidence people think I should have, what with me frequently showing some form of arrogance and all. But in all honesty, even with the best thing I have the aptitude in, I have no more than an estimationg of 30% of confidence that I can do the same thing, the next time.

What bothers me is the why. Why, even with my best aptitude, don't I have enough confidence in what I can do, even for that particular field alone?

I'm getting tired of doubting myself, of doubting my abilities, even though I've done many of them in the past, and done them quite well, I think. I guess that it might be the training B. brought me up with: that things can go wrong, and will always go wrong in each individual circumstance, that we have to prepare for all eventualities.

That's why, even at my best, I believed that things won't be at their best, because factors will always crop up: factors which I can't control, and thus, can't calculate.

Like I said, I'm getting very tired of it. And I lost sleep last night over this point. This morning, I feel a change...I feel a *need* to change. I feel a need to know that I can do things, and, more importantly, *believe* that because I know how to do things, that I can actually do them.

But before I start, I think it's vital to define to myself just what I need to change, what I need to work on. Or else I'll just be like an archer holding a bow, already with a notched arrow and the string drawn, but not knowing where to shoot.

So, here goes, I guess:
1. Self-confidence
2. Selfishness
3. Arrogance
4. Courage

I think four is quite enough for a start, at least for my part. I've got a feeling someone might put 'anger' as one of the points, but honestly? I like my rage, and bad as it might be, I've got no intention to rectify that in the near future. So...I might try working on #1 and #5 simultaneously with some crazy ideas, and hope that I don't sustain too many injuries. Heh.

I really want to go farming after graduation next year, but I've looked at my resources, and it seems a bit hard to achieve. My dad wants me to further my studies, and I'm trying to see if I can study at the Singapore-based Monash University from Australia. It'd enable me to get a PR in Australia much easier that way. Will e-mail them tonight to see what sort of credits I can get with my diploma.

But Monash Uni's modules seem a bit dry to me, especially after the modules I took in TP. Also, some of the modules overlap, like the media and society, journalism, marketing modules, and some others. I think I can request for credits for these...

Honestly, though, I still want to farm. But I need the resources to learn it in the first place. And I only want to go to Australia because Jillian's there and she has agreed to teach me what she knows. I'd much prefer going to somewhere in Northern Europe to farm.

I know how to drive already, which will makes things easier abroad. I just checked out Ubi's motorcycle lessons. They are freaking expensive, even for just a class 2B. Gah. And I gotta take 2B before I can take 2A and then 2. And it's quite dangerous if I take it within this year till September 29 next year, since I'm still on "probation" for my Class 3 car license. If I get that license revoked within this period, hallelujah to me!

I'm tired of people making use of me, without some semblance of appreciation or thanks. Sharon has changed, and a lot. Not that I haven't. But c'mon, two years of what comes close to friendship being destroyed just because she wants to fit in that badly? I'm so tempted to snap at her, "If you want to go apply for your basic theory, go do it yourself! I'm not meeting you to bring you there, or helping you with anything until you actually WANT to do it. And I'm not doing it until you stop telling me you want to do it, and then consequently just leave the conversation without a word to go do your own sweet thing and expect me to wait."

Ignoring her or any other attempts at conversation with her until I'm less pissed.

I'm not sure if I said this: but Khai found someone. My soul brother. I'm gladdened greatly by the news, and hope that he'll find healing after all this time.

And I just love WM, the other supervisor (no, not in that way, heh). I found out that I lost my letterbox key and the key to his office cupboard, and was freaking out and all, texting him and apologizing. I came into the office today and asked him for the spare key, and said sorry once more. He was quite mild and nice about it, just asking me nicely if I could go duplicate one more. And of course I will. The key was my responsibility and I lost it. I'd already thought of offering to do it before he'd even asked. But still, whew.

I haven't lost anything for YEARS, and this one just broke my clean record of about six years. Gah. Must take new and extra preventive measures to lose anything in public ever again. I hate the trauma that comes with losing things...

Great. Director's being a bitch again, heh. Not at me, though; at another colleague.



Friday, October 07, 2005

Damned. Just the thought and the way this word flows makes me shiver with fear: Muakeens.

I had a dream this morning, of me being a man who somehow had been stolen to another almost-parallel realm, populated by this people known as the Muakeens.

When I first got pulled in and knew of them, I'd found their human-like body lying motionless on the slope to a hill. Thinking that they were corpses, I'd somehow found a sheriff and brought him there. The sheriff seemed to know awfully much about these people, commenting offhandedly to me that these were 'Muakeens' as he pried open one of their mouths. "How you identify one of them is by opening their mouths and seeing all the soil packed inside."

I remember I'd cringed then, wondering how any sane human could possibly live with mud inside their mouth. Then when the sheriff dug out the mud from the Muakeen's mouth, he suddenly winked at me. And then, the rest of the bodies sat up, and all winked at me.

The sheriff pulled away, and told me to run. And we did, very quickly, till we came to this part of the road that was in the normal world, and saw a truck and a hovering chopper there. The chopper was facing the way we had came, and there were two missiles already activated. As soon as we'd passed them, the guy in the chopper fired off the two missiles, and then all of us quickly fled.

For some reason, I could keep pace with the truck and chopper even though I was merely running without help. The whole world streaked out all around us, until we suddenly encountered this external pull forward, that we couldn't resist. That force pulled us forward, and me apart from them, until I suddenly encountered this green mist that wasn't there before, and was dragged onto a fork in the road that originally hadn't been there.

I was dragged forward until I came to a stop somewhere, and I finally realized I'd been dragged right back to the world of the Muakeens. And they were all waiting for me, hideous smiles and all, saying they wanted me to stay.

I ran. I don't know where. But I suddenly saw a vast expanse of water before me: a clear blue. I think there were mountains on the opposite end, or maybe just the horizon, but I can't really recall. I splashed into the waters, being slowed down by it, and the two Muakeens who'd been chasing me splashed in and caught my hands. But I thrashed and struggled and managed to kick them away, splashing deeper in. And the deeper we went, the more reluctant they seemed to want to follow.

And I was left wondering if they were afraid of the water, the 'real world', or if there was something more malicious than they were lurking beneath that clear blue. For a moment, I hesitated, wondering which evil was better.

Then I woke up with a start. Freakish man.



Thursday, October 06, 2005

I had a dream last night, of which I can only recall vaguely. This one affected me also, and I'm starting to see a pattern of sorts on which sort of dreams have an impact on me and make me feel as though they might have been real, and not just mere dreams...that they *did* happen.

Yesterday's one went something like:

My female friend (dunno who) and I were searching for something to occupy our time with, a course of sorts perhaps. we came upon this military? academy grounds, and went in to look. Surprisingly, we weren't stopped or anything. It was night (or nearing night), and the grounds were rather deserted. So we just walked around and explored, looking for people.

Then, we came to this pool area, where we saw all the students, and this single male instructor here. Everyone except for my friend and me were guys. The pool was dark, and felt very deep, as the male instructor saw us and waved us in. Not as recruits, though, but as equals...of sorts, though that feeling seemed reserved only for me.

I didn't seem to know him well, but felt a strange sense of familarity, like he was an acquaintance of sort whom I should at least remember.

The recruits were very young; most of them seemed like boys of around seven to ten years. They were sitting on these sort of stuff that looked like those small...boats you had to keep cycling on to move. What was strange was that as I entered the water, I felt that it was very, very deep, and I had to tread water to keep afloat. But that instructor was still: he didn't tread water, didn't anything, but he still kept his head above water. As he moved about, it seemed as if he *walked* on it.

I was disgusted at the way he was training these kids, especially since the kids seemed tired and terrified, paddling, paddling, paddling. When I saw one of those...boats going down, I recalled swimming over and propping it up with some effort, until that instructor shook his head? and came over, propping it back into place.

Then, behind him, another kid and boat started sinking, no matter how hard the kid paddled. I started to go over, when the guy stopped me. We had a glaring contest until I practically screamed at him to go help the kid. He held my eyes for a few seconds more before grudgingly doing so.

I'd been disgusted at this training and his actions, and signalled to my friend that I was getting out of this place. She was nearer the exit (there was no ramp; we had to hoist ourselves up just like that) and got to dry ground first. I had swam over and had grabbed the edge of the pool, and was just about to get up when the instructor's hand landed on my shoulder, stopping me. I turned and growled at him, but he was surprisingly gentle and subdued (at least towards me). There was a sort of...hurt? I saw in his eyes, that reminded me of a wounded soul. And I couldn't help staring. I think he then asked if he could meet me later that night, when everything was finished.

I'd hesitated at first, but then nodded. I couldn't remember anything after that. Mm...

(Damned, I'm so fucking tired, and tired of this place also. Gah. I've lost all motivation to do things. It's as if with the impending end of internship, the drive to do things properly has faded. And like YL said, the last month is probably the worst time to screw up.

But I'm very lethargic of this place already. I want to leave. NOW.)

I realized that the dreams I have which always impact me the most are:

1. Dreams of healing: usually of me seeing the deep and/or hidden pain of someone, and feeling some sort of empathy and compassion towards the person, so that I end up healing/trying/agreeing to heal him/her. I'm wondering if these urges to heal are the drive for my practices in shamanism.

2. Dreams of fighting/battles: Because my nature is very chaotic, I think these leak over into dreams. Especially my sadistic nature.

3. Dreams of shifts: I feel powerful whenever I have dream-phenotype-shifts, whether into wolf, eagle or dragon. I feel even better if it was dragon, and then I'm facing demons or spirits.

Heh. I really ought to brush up on my shamanic practices and rituals more. But I think the most important thing is to heal myself first, because how can I heal others when I haven't even started to *learn* how to heal myself?

I feel like crying. I feel like crying for this pain and this exhaustion that won't stop. I feel like crying for my lost freedom. I feel like crying because I can't cry anymore.

Very, very tired. My body and my soul are both very pained and aching. I feel my body spoiling and destroying itself as my tailbone grates upon itself.

I went to take a walk after lunchtime, and felt only such a sense of profound exhaustion that the world was like in a haze. Nothing seemed important anymore, nor dangerous, nor worthy of attention. All that I cared about was rest, was to rest. I wanted to sleep, to sleep for a hundred years, not waking up at all.

Heh. Nice wish.

Last night, when I turned off my lights to go to bed, the moment the lights were off, I felt paranoid, afraid, freaked out. I quickly went to bed and pulled the blanket over me, certian that something was in the room, watching me. I was almost quivering with fear, until I thought of shifting to dragon.

And, strangely enough, this shift was...strong. I more than felt myself being dragon, I *saw* myself being dragon at the same time. It's as if I was "bi-locating", being dragon but looking at myself at the same time. My hide is a very rusty red, and my eyes are yellow or amber. And my dragon side likes danger, loves being malicious to danger. And it despises the fear and weaknesses of the human taboos I had been brought up with.

Because, when I'd shifted and was using my draconic senses to see if there was truly anything I needed to fight with, no, there was nothing. But the human side was still jumpy, fearful, paranoid. And I'm glad I had learnt how to differentiate between true instincts and mere paranoia.

Gah.



Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I thought about Az on the train ride to work this morn, and found that, by God, I missed him. A lot.

Next Wednesday is the twelfth. Which means we've been together for two months. I had a sudden thought to send him a "Happy two months" text, but then, something stopped me. I guess perhaps it's because I've never been a typical girl, even for a fake human, but I thought that if we kept reiterating the fact of "Happy (insert number here) months," what point is there after a while? Is there really a *need* to remember how many months we've been together? Does time really matter?

I think what I can say is that time does matter, but only to an extent. 40% perhaps? Because it is only with time that one can build up a proper relationship; and only with time that one can know how much they have gone through together, on average.

But for the other 60%, time doesn't matter, because a solid relationship isn't just built on that alone, but also from many other factors. I know that just one month together, and we've already started things in each other that refused to be started for years, even with help from others.

He's taught me how to learn to trust again, but also to be careful of that trust, even with him. He taught me sanity, taught me compassion, taught me how to be comfortable with myself, even with him.

We both are disillusioned enough by things to know that however hard we try, we're going to hurt each other one day, both of us. I think it's quite inevitable in a relationship.

And I...I started his healing (basing on what he told me). I taught him how to be less afraid of pain again. I don't know what else I helped/taught him with, but I hoped that he's become less pained, and will heal fully, eventually.

It's tough, not knowing what will happen anytime, anywhere.

I'm looking through pictures now, not having anything to do for the moment. I went to Yahoo to search for pictures of "lonely roads." The search came up with various pictures, one of which was the silhouette of a car driving towards the camera, with its headlights turned on, and the setting sun casting a brilliant gold-red in the sky behind the car.
http://www.dramainnature.com/_borders/LoneCaronHwy550Poster.JPG

And I have to wonder: why do pictures like this one stir up such emotions in me? Why do pictures of the wide open sea, the horizon, the mountains, the forests, running streams, clouds, the sunset, twilight, moonlight all create such...sweet sorrow within? And it's poignant sorrow,
that one wants to indulge in and endure over and over again, just for its sheer beauty, just for the sheer...meaning it embodies.

But...what meaning? I've tried for ages but have not yet been able to answer that. What meaning is there in a sunset, in a butterfly flying, in the horizon, in the bubbling brook? I know those are beautiful. But WHY? It's as if my soul recognizes something in those scenes. But what? WHAT? The innocence in those? The simplicity? The purity?Why do images like this one make my heart so pained?
http://maplehill2.homestead.com/files/t3348b.jpg

Maybe these remind me of times that are better, that are more...honest. Heh.

17 days more after today. At least I'm reaching a point where I can actually count down in *days* instead of weeks and months.

Anyways.

I'm wondering if I even have an amygdala in my brain, or if that part is only half-formed. I was showering one day, and just letting my mind wander, and then I suddenly realized that to an extent, I'm very much like Amygdala in the Batman series, a villian who was born without that
part of his brain, and thus can't control his emotions, and goes berserk.

I'm wondering if mine is half-formed, since I find myself frequently losing control, needing more and more will to rein my emotions in. Wonder if going to a neurologist to check it out will be expensive. Heh.



Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm sick of this place. Eighteen-and-a-half days more. I don't think my tolerance is very good nowadays, and I really am trying not to kill or hurt the people here.

I'm tired and bitchy and feeling predatory. But more of tired. And I'm really tired of having to deal with crap like humans, whether in the workplace or out of it. But especially in the workplace.

If I walk away now, turn away and never return, who'll mourn for my loss? Heh. Truth be told, I'm still skeptical about Az's feelings for me, though not by any of his fault, and purely by mine alone. I mean, I've never been one to fully (be able to) trust another's words and actions. And I keep feeling as if he might just be sorry for me, and that's why he's concerned, that's why he cares.

I'm really, really tempted to make a deal with Lucifer now. By the Valar, I am. I feel the remnants of exhaustion and worse-than-apathy filling in. By God, how the hell am I going to survive these 19 days? Though, of course, after having survived the last 160 or so days, 19 shouldn't seem that big of a hurdle, yes?

*sighs* I don't know. I guess it's right in a sense, and I really should stop whining like some fucking spoilt bitch.

I changed mobile phones twice in a week. First from the Nokia 3100, because my plan was almsot up, to the Samsung E630C, and then to the Nokia 6020 yesterday. The Samsung one sucked like fucking hell. The interface was almost non-existant, and the functions were few and unwieldy. I'll support Nokia all the way. Gah. Will never change brands again.

Sleepy. Very sleepy.

I miss Bruce, and Dick, and Alfred, and Tim and Ren. I miss all my soulbonds. Bruce has been the only one whom I could contact, and even then, only sparodically. Honestly? He feels...changed, somewhat. He's still as dark as before (perhaps even more so), but he also feels a little...lighter, as if he has been given greater strength to carry the same burdens, even though the burdens were not lessened.

I wonder how Dick is doing. I wonder what he thinks of Az. I wonder if Bruce has told him, or if he even knows already. How has our relationship changed? Because I have someone incarnate, I've drifted away from him more? A little, I think, because my attention is now split between the 'discarnate' and 'incarnate' realms. But when all's been said and done...who is he to me, honestly?

Friend, yes.

Partner, yes.

Brother, definitely.

Lover? Perhaps.

I know I love him dearly, and love him a lot. But does that constitute to being a lover?

A road to nowhere
I'm walking on a road, gravel beneath my feet
Strength ebbing because I've travelled too long
But when I raised my eyes to look, what I saw
was only the same thing, same place, same moment
Though time had passed.

Exhausted, I sit, feeling the heat on my back
I felt the wind blow, strong
The clouds pass by above, unbound by chains
I thought: there must be something wrong.

My feet took me up again, steps straight and sure
Forward, forward I was pulled along
And when I looked back, I was still at
the same place, same moment, different time.

There must be something wrong, I thought still
The clouds are moving, but they're not real
Are they? Am I?
There's something wrong.
And I walked off the road.
To nowhere, somewhere, everywhere...



Saturday, October 01, 2005

I never thought that I'd lose control like that, and cry in the presence of another, especially someone who's not family. I never thought that gentleness can break through my fortress so easily and reach my vulnerability without much difficulty.

He's right. I'm weighed down with many cares, and many fears, and I dare not reveal them. For fear of...? Honestly, I don't know. I'm rarely one to be scared of being shamed/ashamed, since I am independent enough in that aspect to know that I rarely need others' opinions, and those don't bother me much.

I told him that I'm not afraid of pain and hurt. And to a very great extent, that is true, especially since I've been through those so much they're almost-constant companions already. But at the same time, I've been hurt so deeply before that I don't want to go through *fresh* pain, I guess. What I'm dealing with is residual pain...and yes, I'm used to it. Doesn't mean that I want to go through another round of it.

I'm also afraid to trust, and this I told him. I'm afraid that I'll trust him too much, and also afraid that I already am trusting him so much.

He just held me tightly, and let me cry it out, telling me that it's okay (to cry), telling me to find rest in his arms.

I guess that either I really feel comfortable enough with him to show this weakness, or I'm just too plain tired to care.

My MSN nick: *Thank you* for showing me how to weep without shame.
His nick: Have faith in me, and I will show you.

*sighs*

Do I really deserve this/him?