Saturday, August 13, 2005

Heck.

I actually miss him. *raises brows*

Oh-kay...



Friday, August 12, 2005

I don't regret telling him what I did. And he doesn't regret his words, too.

So why do I feel so afraid? I think I know why, and it doesn't concern him.

I mean, I've always gone through this world practically alone, except for my family, whether incarnate or discarnate. I've got friends here, of course, but even they can't understand what I really go through, just for the simple fact alone that they are...different, "normal" if you will. I've got absolutely nothing against them. It's just...nature dictates that, I guess.

So, yes. Alone.

Being alone, and having B. as a mentor/father and having him trained me, I've grown up building up defenses upon defenses, learning mental (and physical) conditioning so that I know the make-up of my mind, the type of fortress that best suits me, the type of defense which I can wield the best. Getting together with him...it requires me to lower the drawgate to allow a crossing of the moot that's one of the defenses. It requires risk, an act of trust.

I trust him. But I'm still afraid. And honestly? This fear feels almost-crippling. *sighs*



Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I think I'll talk to him next week.

Nervous jitters now. Been having sleepless nights for over a week. Heh. Just thinking about...him. >.< It's making me shitty.

Blah.



Friday, August 05, 2005

It's much too painful to go on like this, I think, denying things when I'm in his presence, putting on a false happy front as much as I can. He knows: he sees past the front. But he doesn't know the reason for it, and I don't intend to tell him.

I mean, okay, I'll admit that I'm afraid. But being afraid doesn't even begin to cut it. It's not just fear holding me back. It's a constant knowledge--whether real or false--that I'm not good enough for him, that I'll never be good enough for him that makes me stop myself. I fear rejection too (who doesn't?). But it's mostly just the 'not good enough' thing.

I've become bitter and resentful over this fact: bitter at him and everyone else, when they've done nothing to deserve it...especially not him. I've begun to withdraw from him, being more distant, more cold. I'll still be there as a friend should he need me--a deal's a deal, after all--but...but I really don't think I can take the pain of a crushing blow and survive. I don't think I'll be able to take any crushing/hurtful words. Not this time.

I'm not sure if he notices, or if he does, he isn't saying anything. I don't want to hurt him; I don't want to hurt myself. The best thing to do would be to withdraw and distance myself.

If I break while bearing the pain alone, then so be it.



Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Well...was talking to S. and B. this afternoon, and S. suddenly IMed me after we stopped talking for 2 hours, asking me if I was okay. It surprised me, especially since no, I wasn't okay: I felt very cold inside. And apparently, she sensed it, and described it as a "frozen void."

Told B. about that. He suggested I open up and warm up to someone. *chuckles drily* And who should I warm up to? Yeah, I guess I'm quite bitter over that, even though I've accepted that fact. *shrugs* I don't like to bother, and I usually try not to. I'm too frozen up inside, and the few times I've tried warming up to people, I usually get disappointed. Now I'm tired, and even though I'm tempted to warm up to a certain someone, I'm cautious and wary, like an animal who has been abused too many times.

*sighs* I'll think about it until end of August, and then see how things go. Should I cross my fingers? *laughs bitterly*