Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Balance.

How does one find a balance in a relationship? in life? in everything one does?

He wwas bogged down with worry, with a lot of frustration over many things, one of which was his feeling helpless with regards to me.

I'm not the easiest person to handle, I know; mostly because I don't like to burden people with my problems, with my darkness, with my need for solitude. What weighs me down the most is the fact that I was the one who contributed to it.

Bleah.

Internal paradigm shifts. My whole perspective on things has been twisted, broken, and reformed. And, it is now going through the whole process again, on the way to fixing itself back into another shape I can't make out for now.

I've never been so sure of where I want to go, but yet, never so full of doubts. It's like the mountaineer who climbs to the top of the highest peak, upwards, into the clouds, into the fog, longing for a chance to gaze far off. And, when he reaches the top, his reward is to see but glimpses of the far off he was working so hard for: the clouds move, part, and re-merge, never allowing for more than brief moments of clearness, but are always so hiding of their sights.

Honestly, I can't help but to retreat within myself, into the emotional fortress I've built under the guidance of B. I need time to sort things out, for these shifting perspectives to fit into some sort of a pattern, before I can make sense of them. I find myself unable to emphatize with people. I find myself getting annoyed very easily; getting very snappish at the merest hint of insult or annoyance. I find myself needing, craving for space, both within and without, needing space from people everywhere. I simply cannot relate to anyone at the moment. While things are changing inside, I'm cold, apathetic, uncaring; I don't want anyone to bother me.

That's why I can't wait for the drum to arrive. And I hope it does, soon. I still feel the deep beats of the bodhran coursing through me; I dream of the drum and its beats, connecting me to the earth. I can't wait for the Tarahumara drum I ordered to arrive. Then I will go out into nature, and drum, singing and dancing with it.

I'm rather confused nowadays, torn apart inside, tormented by self-created and external demons. I don't need nor want anyone to pull me in any direction any further. I don't need to feel more messed up.



Friday, December 02, 2005

I finally told him: about how, in the end, if things ever got to the point of marriage, I'm really sorry, but I know where I stand with my beliefs, and I don't think I can accept and/or convert to Islam.

I can learn, yes. And I can respect the religion itself, and that he believes in it; but I cannot accept it myself.

Now, knowing where I stand and having made my stand, this relationship has been made into a cul-de-sac, simply because Islamic laws require one party to convert in a marriage. I've heard that if they don't have kids, the female doesn't have to convert, but honestly, I don't know how true it is, and I don't know if he can accept that I won't convert even as I (might) live with him.

Do you still want to be with me then?

Yes, yes, I do.

He wants to try things out. The point of this relationship for him is that both of us don't regret: especially in the fact that things might never work out if we never did try in the first place.

That's true, yes. But well, I dunno. If I had to choose between regretting, and not feeling the pain of separation down the road, I don't know which one I will take. I don't know if I'm strong enough to face the pain, to face new pain, even if I'm used to holding it deep.

He wants to try. And I guess, for his sake (and yes, I do want to try as well), I'll do so, too. And, if nothing else, if I find my feelings for him being impeded because of the cul-de-sac, help him heal as a person, me as a shaman.



Thursday, December 01, 2005

There're few things harder than to pretend something isn't when it is.

Honestly, despite everything I told him, I'm still affected by what his mother said; the implications of her words and other compounding factors should things go too far, reach that point.

I've told a few about this particular problem. What they've all told me is to take things one day at a time, and only decide if things ever got to the point of marriage.

But you know what? I don't think I can do that. I can't just leave things to chance, letting the relationship go deeper and deeper, placing more emotional attachment each time. And then, in the end, just break the whole fucking thing just because of religion.

I'm sorry, but I just can't. I can't do this, not if you gave me forever.

And I really don't want it to tear me up inside with resentment, and then hurt him because of that.