Saturday, May 28, 2005

I think I've realized why i'm rather hung up on cutting, for a part. I actually love and appreicate them. When I look at the scars, they keep me sane. They remind me of what I am, of who I am, of my soul. They mirror the scars I have inside, and whenever I gaze at them, I'm kept sane, I'm kept...solitary.

I'm trying to just...be aware that whatever happens, I still have options and stuff, even if others don't like those options.

How can people view me as strong when the truth is, inside, I'm weak?

I need those scars to keep me real.

I've been researching since yesterday...the options I have. And I realized: these options I'm turning to now were childhood dreams, abandoned for many years. And I'm only beginning to find them back now.

1. Jockeying/farming: yep, Jillian has offered to teach me the ropes of farming and horse-riding when I go over to stay for quite some time. I'm also planning to take up horse-riding classes end of this year.

2. Cop: depending on the research I do, it'd depend on the working environment to see if it suits me. Apparently not, from what I've heard.

But yeah, well, I need to keep me real. And if not talking too frequently to my teammates (and the scars) keep me that way, good. However, I have to remember that scars are also built upon healing. And as I wound myself (both physically and psychologically), I have to let the wounds heal, to build the scars, in which inner strength comes from.



Friday, May 20, 2005

I miss you, Dick.

It feels as if I'm shutting myself off to the whole world again, allowing this armor to be disassembled only with those whom I consider family.

I feel cold right now...towards the world. My armor is on, and layered with various other plates.

Love you, Dick.



Thursday, May 19, 2005

So yeah, I told G. and she kind of rejected me...in a sense. But so...gently, and so without malice and other intentions that I was most impressed. She's really good.

And, when I was lying in bed after our talk, thinking, I realized just how much greater our friendship is for this "rejection."

I mean, as a general stereotype, everyone views romantic relationships as the highest form of...relationships. But G. has proven it to be not so, that friendship can be just as beautiful...or even more so.

Perhaps I did a wrong when I told her. Because, if we're so close already, and the stages between our relationship has been blurred, then we're not just friends or sisters or anything, but one and all of them at once. There's no distinctions. Many things make up a friendship, and being unafraid and honest between each other are two of the most important, and I guess we both demonstrated how mcuh we really treated each other as a friend.

I'm glad for that. She's one of the selected few whom I feel comfortable with, truly. And in her presence, I don't need to hide who I am--both good and bad, whether I'm comfortable with it or not.



Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Mm...I'm being a slight tad assuming, I guess, but can it be?

I don't know. I don't think I'm a good person, nor anywhere near beautiful, either inside or out. I'm harsh, and extremely tainted.

Batman said in an episode of the JLU, in response to WW's statement that it was enjoyable being kids again: "I haven't been a kid since I was eight years old."

Sad, but all too true. I've gotta wonder for myself, too: how long was I a kid before I suddenly became...not one? I wasn't much older or younger than Bruce was, even if the reasons for my lost of childhood (not totally, but partly) aren't direct.

I digress.

I don't think of my soul, nor my nature, as beautiful, and I truly wonder, how can someone I like so much think of me that way? I'm not disgusted, nor was the above written in sarcasm, but in wonderment. How?

I feel it most easy to slip into self-bashing, which speaks volumes for what I think of myself. Heh. Perfectionism, as taught by dad. But then, G. likes me better without me striving for perfection. Torn both ways; which way to go?

I long to leave everything I have and go live with the family. I'm willing to do that. But they won't be happy I left my blood family just to be with them, because what they emphasize on are obligations, and responsibilities, no matter the pain and cost inflicted upon oneself.

I love D. A lot. So much so that I will overlook my suspicions, that I will go to Hell for him if need be, that I will not leave him if he needs me there. I love him for being able to be intimate with me without bringing lust into the picture, for respecting me enough to not make me lose control (though I'll admit I'm very ashamed JS makes me feel lust)...for just respecting and loving me, period.

His soul is beautiful. Hers as well.

Mine? Mine is jagged, harsh, shattered, sharp...one can be easily hurt trying to get to know who I truly am. So how can my soul be beautiful?

*sighs*



Saturday, May 14, 2005

I swear I'm one of the worst people to be around when I'm having my period. I don't want anyone coming near me, or I'll bitch and stuff. Heh.

I don't even feel like turning to Dick for comfort. *growls* It's the hormones, I swear. Turns me into a stranger every time. I hate this me that doesn't acknowledge family; I hate this out-of-control me.

I hate that my body does something I can't control. I absolutely detest and loathe it.

*sighs* I miss Dick, but I don't want to snap at him (I'm snapping at almost-everyone right now) and so am not calling him, nor visiting him.

Forbear, forbear.



Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sometimes, I get so sick of IE I want to just disable the thing completely, but then again, it's probably best to have a few browsers handy. Heh.

I feel as if I'm cheating on D. by liking G. It doesn't matter if G.'s a girl and D.'s a guy, and there's no gender-basis for comparison. The very fact that I'm supposed to love D. and have already promised commitments to him (and him to me) means that loyalty is a required, and no more an obligation or so.

But G...I've liked her since late last year, around October, I think. Sure, no basis for comparison, too, since D.'s been with me since like, what? years ago?

I'm so confused. Of course, the ideal would be to be with the both of them, but to me, it's an explicit form of disloyalty and unfairness I place upon them, that *I* am with both (if G. even accepts me in the first place) and ask that they themselves stay loyal. How can I ask that of them if I don't do the same?

No, I won't be miserable if I pick one over another. I love both of them, and I don't give my love nor trust lightly, as they know.

Perhaps I should speak with D. on this, tell him the truth that he should deserve to know. I won't hide it from him.