Friday, June 24, 2005

I hate this feeling, when I'm practically attracted to almost any and every guy friend who shows me some semblance of concern and attention. Fuck, I'm deprived. Heh.

I don't like feeling like that, because it means I can't control my emotions well enough. Perhaps I do need and want someone in this world, but I refuse to work on it, because I love Dick. Now, if I add Ren being a potential twin-soul into the equation, I've got something way to complex for me to work it out sanely.

Do I really want to throw in another guy and complicate things even more?

Dick wants me to have support here, and, for our situation, I guess I might agree. I did tell him to get with Babs if he needed it too, or I'd kick his ass.

Honestly though? No guy--or, well, extremely few--here will have an attraction for me. I'm too...I've got too strong a character for most of them to handle. I'm too dark in the soul, too edgy, too wild and too fey. I don't conform, and I break the conventions of the typical human girl they know of. I frighten them and make them uneasy, and I've seen how people--not just guys--distance themselves from me, their surface emotions jarring my empathy. I know.

There are only a selected few who've gotten past the edginess and the fear that I exude, either because I sensed enough from them to get a feel of their soul, and get an instinctive trust, or, by their very nature, they are like me, and so are unafraid.

It hurts. Until I find myself wishing either they didn't exist, or I don't.



Friday, June 10, 2005

Akiyama Ren, why the hell did you come into my dreamscape and interacted with me? Why the hell did you even evoke feelings in me when you said, "You look even more beautiful/prettier than before"?

I know it wasn't merely a dream. You left. Why did you come back?

I'm with Dick now. I've gone through so much to be there for him, to be an individual he can love; he has done the same. Between you and him, there's no hesitation who I'll bond with. So why in Valar's names do I feel an attraction for you? Am I really me-liking-you or me-as-someone-else-liking-you?!

*growls*

I look at Dick's pictures and I want to hug him and share his pain. I look at Ren and...and I go all tingly...

What the fuck..?



Saturday, June 04, 2005

I need to apologize for all I've said to Dick (and Bruce) during my breakdown last night.

Dick was being kind, but I pushed that kindness away, doing and saying things that must have hurt him greatly, pierced him.

And, for what my feelings of lamentations are worth, I'm sorry, Dick.



Friday, June 03, 2005

As the sun rises, let Death come for me
with her sweet smile and immortal visage;
The world with its joys mixed with griefs,
are better left to those who would love it.

Those who would return home, to where
a heart truly belongs,
let Death help him, or whom else who cares,
whose heart hearkens to those cries of the lost.

Death! Come for me now!
Heal my soul of pain and darkness and torture!
Strew my ashes from fire taken,
my dust to world's ends.

I wrote that during work today. No idea what it was. But the mood took me, and the words just came. Heh.

I still hate the fuckers in my department. I still don't know how I'm going to survive another 21 weeks of it. Endure? Forbear? How the fuck do I do that?

I was jogging this evening, after work. And I decided to take the time to go internally as well. So, with every step I jogged, I went deeper inward. And it was as if I was myself, but there was an internal dialogue going on, with a voice being my guide.

Voice: What do you see?
Me: Nothing.
Voice: Go deeper.

So I did. I went deeper internally.

Me: I'm on a road, and seeing a sky before me. It's a dirt road. The sky isn't clear. It's rather gloomy, and the colors are muted. I see black and purple and some oranges. There are grass all around me. Knee-length.

Voice: What else?

I jogged along some more, and a forest suddenly appeared before me. There was a lake somewhere too.

Voice: What's the lake like? What's its color?
Me: It's black-silver...like...neither fully black nor fully silver. Just mixing.
Voice: The forest...what do you see?

I peered into the darkness and shadows of the trees. And I felt...eyes watching me.

Me: Full of eyes. (a pause) No, a few. But not Wolf, because he's running freely in the plains. And not Eagle, for he flies in the sky. (another pause, and I suddenly realized what those eyes were...or at least, have an idea) They are my fey side...

By that time, my speed had taken me right to the edge of the forest, and I stood there.

Voice: Will you enter the forest, or turn away?
Me: I'm not ready...not now. (turns away) Maybe tonight.

And I took off at a mad dash, afraid of what lies in my own soul...afraid of the side I know is there but have always kept at bay.

What's worse is that these few days, when the Spirit of Veangence within me awoke, I've been having very...bad dreams.

The first was of me threatening a guy who was harrassing me. I told him I'd dig out his eyeballs and eat them if he didn't stop annoying me.

Last night, I dreamt I chewed off someone's finger/s.

I'm starting to feel very fey...very of the Unseelie, who loves torturing humans. Heh.

I am Wolf.

I am Eagle.

I am Dragon.

I am a fey of the Unseelie.