Tuesday, November 15, 2005

In all honesty, I've got no idea why I should even feel jealous in the first place at all.

Yes, we talked about my ugly feelings last Saturday, after I held him, trying to give him strength and comfort when he talked about his sense of being lost.

I told him about the feelings of possession, and also about the jealousy. I told him I didn't know why I was jealous. He asked if it was because he hung out with his female friends a lot.

Heck, no! Dammit, if I felt jealous over such a trivial matter, which, in the first place, shouldn't even matter at all, what kind of a person have I brought myself up to be? We all need our friends: male, female, asexual, whatever. Myself, I've got a lot more guy friends than girl ones, just because I'm very boyish, and hang out a lot with my buddies.

I told him I didn't know, which was a lie. Heh. It wasn't only fear and feeling stupid which stopped me. The person I'm jealous of is a friend of his, a girl whom he had liked only...last year? I've met her only once, and by God, I try so hard not to judge people.

I dunno. Why, Case? Why?

Because he merely liked her for her sweetness, for being able to induce a smile in him without doing anything in particular on her part?

Because she shared a past with him I never did?

Because, because, because.

Because I'm just an insecure, fucked up person, whose harder side wants to ruin someone. Heh.

Ain't I someone, indeed? *bitter laugh*



Saturday, November 05, 2005

I remember why I don't like to be happy.

Every time I experience happiness--whether ecstatic or otherwise--within a short time, I'll feel depressed. As in, honest-to-God depressed. It's as if my store of happiness is in extremely limited supply, and to use up any percentage of that store means having to compensate for it by feeling depressed afterwards.

And while I truly am happy for her, after less than an hour or so, I feel depressed. *sighs*

Why? Why can't I feel happy for an extended period of time? Fuck it. Now all I feel like doing is curling up and crying.

Gah. You're fucked up, Case.