Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I never meant for him to see the scars. Heh. And damn that he saw them. I don't know if he worries, but I don't want him to. I've also got a feeling he's tired of me doing all these: scarring myself; playing with Death...stuff...

And that's why I try not to let him know. I don't want him to be affected by the things I do. It isn't worth it, not ON me, not FOR me. It surprised me greatly that he feels so comfortable with and around me, that he can actually fall asleep at the beach, us lying side-by-side. I feel comfortable with him, but it seems not to the extent that he is with me. That very trust he shows scares me a lot, because it places a lot of pressure on me to try not to hurt him.

Self-destruction doesn't really thrill me more than it makes me feel alive. Isn't that an irony? I need to destroy and scar myself to make myself feel like I'm living.



Saturday, September 24, 2005

Affections. They scare me still. A lot.

Vulnerability. This scares me even worse.

But dare I open up? Promises or no?

He accidentally saw the scars on my tricep today. I was trying to make damned sure I didn't accidentally reveal them, and then I kinda forgot about them, thinking that my sleeves did a well enough job. His implorations for me to TRY not to do that almost made me cry. But I didn't: I wouldn't allow myself to break down.

*sighs*

It seems that I'm still not as comfortable with him as he is with me. But it's no surprise: I'm truly comfortable with few people, even my own parents. Also, I was brought up by BRUCE. Being truly comfortable with many isn't such an easy task, not for him, and not for me.

We talked about our similarities and differences, because, honestly speaking, he and I are seriously OPPOSITES on the surface. Everyone says so, and even we agree so, to an extent. But, generalizing things a bit, our differences are mainly the shallow things: interests (book/music genres, movies, sports etc.), preferences etc. Going a bit deeper, there are similarities in the differences: like...religions and beliefs: we believe in different things, but are held together by the same respect for each other.

And then, the similarities: the common pain, the common fear, the common familarity. The deepest things, the things that hit the hardest.

Two strangers staring, yet each seemed familiar
Common grounds formed from pain and fear.



Thursday, September 22, 2005

I feel a sense of dullness take over my soul, where there should be feelings of sorts. I haven't felt anything but fear, trepidation, annoyance and darkness for a long time, and even now, what I feel is merely...nothing. Like: where are the feelings? Where is myself?I know that the fear is there: I still feel it every night, every morn, before I have to come to work. I know that this long into the internship, I should have more confidence that I can handle things, if not adequetly, then at least swimmingly, and struggle through.

But that knowledge doesn't console me. Heh. Strangely so. But oh well, not that I can really do anything about it, right? Strangely enough, I feel a palpable sense of fear whenever I think of affections. I hope it's not another case of the situation with V. Because, this time, I've dissected my feelings enough and sieved through them enough to know that no, it isn't desperation, nor false affections: I truly care for him.So why...why in the one and many universes am I having these feelings at affections expressed? Is it simply my nature that I'm afraid of affections? Or am I afraid simply that the affections are false? *sighs* After we got together, I realized that day after day, almost all of my thoughts and posts are on him, on relationship, on feelings, on expression etc. This really shouldn't be the way, should it? Things shouldn't have to be so complicated, does it?

Maybe I AM just thinking too much and psycho-analyzing too much into everything. I know that I tend to over-think by a lot, and it's like...yeah well, I dunno. Sometimes, analyzing too much, or analyzing with a "wrong" angle can cause the doubts to surface, and create false thoughts where there are no falseness.

I think I should give him more respect and more trust than that. I think he deserves more trust and more appreciation than I'm currently giving him.

Gah. One day more to the end of the week. ONE DAY. Then FIVE WEEKS more! *sighs* I feel so tired already. These few days have just been RUSH, RUSH, RUSH throughout the whole day of work, with little reprieve and chance for breathers. I'm either rushing newsletters, or rushing Flashes for people from other departments, or rushing articles, or rushing research, or rushing for booking hotel rooms and restaurants. I really need some time to slow down and not feel so strained cuz I don't have a chance to breathe.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

S.W said that it was surprising he and I got together, that she thought we were an odd couple because I didn't seem like the type who needed guys/anyone. Her opinions don't matter to me.

But what struck me was the idea of: I didn't seem like the type who needed anyone/guys.

Honestly? That's pretty true...not totally, but very much so.

For years, all whom I'd relied on was myself, and Bruce. And that was pretty much it. I was emotionally independent...very independent. And I was that way for about eight years. For some reason or other, though, I slowly grew to realize what loneliness was, perhaps because of my severe depression. I found that I kept needing a lot of things I never needed before, which I scoffed at before. I needed a lot of freedom, a lot of support, a lot of company.

What truly changed?

Maybe I "grew up." Maybe I learnt too much what the darkness was, and it overtook me, and I needed help to combat it. Maybe it's just hormones, puberty. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that...too many maybes. What can I really know, right? Do I really need him, though? Good question. Why did I even get together with him in the first place? Better question. Do I want to remain with him? The billion-dollar question.

I don't really *need* him, per se. But he helps to ease my burdens a little, just by being there. He helps to hold the darkness at bay sometimes, for me to catch a little rest. He helps just by understanding and not judging. But these feel like such selfish reasons I really don't know if that gives me the right to be still together with him. I mean, it's just me, me and me. Though, perhaps to be fair, I do care for him a lot also. I want him to be happy, and most of all, I want him to heal properly and fully. I don't want him to be so pained and so hurt anymore, and if I can help him heal properly, I will do so, even at my own costs.

I realized I haven't answered my question: do I really need him/a guy/someone? Honestly? No, I don't think so. But life will be a lot easier going through with help from someone.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I feel very very depressed now. I made one cut on my arm, near the tricep, where it's easier to hide things. The slash came very easily this time. And this time, the feeling is one of almost-euphoria. Heh. I dunno why, but I don't think I can take things easily anymore. I need a break, a TOTAL break. From things, from people, from life. Work's getting to me really badly. And the crying spells are coming back with a vengeance; the depression hits even harder; the break-downs more immitent. To say that I can hang on will be a lie: a blatant lie. I feel like just smashing the laptop to bits and then just storming out of the company, of school, of my family and friends, and of this life. Now.

It's almost to the end of 23 weeks (start of the 18th week now), and I'm even more afraid of making mistakes, of fucking up. It makes no logical sense why this should happen. It just is. I've got no need to justify why; depression and darkness need no justification.

I'm very very tired. And I'm ready to break down and weep. I've forgotten my training but I don't care about it already. I've forgotten my strength because I've lost too much. I've forgotten about life and myself because I never had any.

I've never regained who I really was, who I'd set out to be. That first journey and formation of my life was the most vital, the most impactful, but I was waylaid by too many things, and never found that path back. And perhaps, all these pain come from memories of that loss.

I'm pissed at myself greatly and I don't know why. And whenever I get angry at myself I want to hurt myself badly. I won't let anyone know this, not my family, and definitely not him.

Which begs the question: he cares so much, why not let him know? He can help me through this as much as he can. I think it's because the pain is mine. MINE. And I need something of mine to keep me sane, to keep me going in life. And if my pain is taken away, what else have I left? If my pain is taken away, I wouldn't be me anymore, would I?

"There are so many little dyings that it doesn't matter which of them is death." ~Kenneth Patchen

How true, especially since I've done so many of the "little dyings" I have few parts left that truly lives.

"They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

"Name me no names for my disease,With uninforming breath;I tell you I am none of these,But homesick unto death."~Witter Bynner, "The Patient to the Doctors"

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri Nouwen

"The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had." ~Author Unknown

I'm just so tired that nothing gets through to me anymore. I'm filled with worry for what I can do wrong, with worry for not meeting expectations, with worry for my failures. I have no intention of forgiving all the slights done to me during SIP. But also, I'm too tired to truly do anything about it.

It's like the first few months all over again. Then, I was depressed and breaking down because I hadn't gotten used to the work here, and kept messing up. Also, I found my freedom and my essence taken away from me without mercy, my spirit torn from me, my soul ripped apart.

I got used to it a little after that, by trying to find substitutes for the loss of freedom, by trying to adapt. I've only succeeded a little, but the little has made me more competent in the tasks. However, the exchange for this competency came at a higher price than I'd intended: my strength was depleted even more, my fear arose even more strongly after that.

Now, with a month-and-a-half left to the end of SIP, I'm once again back to square zero with regards to how I'm handling this place. I'm exhausted; I'm breaking down. Though, with the hardships did come certain joys and contentment too, the greatest of which is being together with him. And I have to wonder: if I'd made different choices, would our paths have still crossed?

So maybe if I hadn't placed multimedia as the first choice for SIP, and been posted to SAP, I wouldn't have been so alone, and wouldn't have opened up so much to him. Then perhaps, he wouldn't have gotten concerned, we wouldn't have talked more and gotten to know each other better, and found common grounds.

If I'd been posted to Nickelodeon, which is the place he interned at, there would've been other CMMers there and again, I wouldn't have felt so alone I needed to turn "outwards" in my struggle.

But when it comes to the end, has knowing him been more worth it than the pain I've gone through, and am still going through? When I weigh them, would I rather have not known the pain and not gotten to know him, than to know the pain, and know him?

To be honest, I don't know.



Sunday, September 18, 2005

He's off to camp again.

And I miss him terribly again.

*sighs*



Friday, September 16, 2005

Am I starting to love him? I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm still confused about the emotions I'm feeling, and am also confused about how particularly him can awaken these emotions in the first place.

And that's the thing, the question: am I starting to love him?

As a friend, as a buddy, yes, I love him. Just because he's my friend. Just because I love all my friends.

But as someone more as a friend? I know we're together, yes. I know I like him, yes. But love?Ravi believes that love can form in a short time, even within a few days. But then, that love must be sustained and nurtured so that it can grow, or else, it'd fade away just like most other things.

I had (have?) my own criteria for what love is:
1. Have to know the person for an average of at least a year;
2. Individuality must be maintained: we don't "become one." We're two individuals who chose to be together;
3. There's no need for posession

There're some other points that elude me at the moment. But yeah. And that's the thing...I don't quite fulfill any of those, and I'm just confused by all the thoughts and events that go through me like...whenever.

Like last night, when he texted me, he felt rather cheerful and stuff. His lights-out is at 10.30pm. At around 10.40pm, he gave me one last text saying that he better go off, that he didn't want to get into trouble for not having slept yet.

Against my logic, feelings of jealousy and possessiveness flared up: am I not more important than NS? Then, logic kicked itself in, that NS is the more important, and I sure as hell don't want him to get into trouble for anything, especially not because of me. But why do these ugly feelings rise, when I know against all else that what I want is for him to be safe, be happy, and to heal properly? Why do I feel the need to want to possess, if I claim to like him? I don't want to possess him. I don't want to anything him! Fuck these emotions. He doesn't belong to me, dammit! He doesn't have to report all his actions/intentions/thoughts/whatever to me! I am not his anything!*sighs* Case...what the hell's wrong with you? Why are you such an ugly person inside? Why these emotions?

Heh, I swear that if he gets to know these, he'd be so disgusted he'd flinch away from me. And is that what I really want? I know I've been slightly happier ever since we got together, but do I really want him to be together with me as a lie, or should I let him know all these? As truths? Am I afraid of losing him? I don't know actually. I know that I respect his freedom and his choice to do what he wants, and if things don't work out between us, I'll let him go. It doesn't make the pain softer, nor the act easier, but I'll still do it.

But am I afraid? Perhaps I'm more afraid of what he'd think of me when he's with me, than what he thinks of me when he's not. Heh. I mean...I dunno. *sighs* I don't want to possess him, yet it feels like I'm doing so. Not to him, maybe, but to me, yes. Maybe because I keep struggling not to do so, and know the extent to which I *want* to. And he doesn't feel so because I've done an okay job in keeping myself in check so far.

I'm just afraid that I'll lose control one day soon and become...someone ugly. Heh.



Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Everywhere I go during lunchtime, I see memories of him. I finish my lunch at the NEA building, walk out, see the WATER condominium, and it reminded me of the time when we walked down to Newton from Orchard, planning to talk, trying to work our courage up.

I walked under the trees and remember how he'd come to lunch with me, and then we'd walk together, hands held, just being together. Simply.

I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him.

And this scares me greatly. How can I feel so much for someone whom I don't know past a year? I know feelings have their own mind, their own logic. But this is...scary. I care too much for him, and I suspect that one day, it might be my downfall, my bane.

It's that simple feeling of just being...together. Without reserve, without fear, without the obligation of having to be fake. It's the feel of being together like friends, like oneself.

It's knowing that I'm so vulnerable when I'm with him that makes me afraid. Especially because I've got no direct rapport with him, not like I have with my bonds, so I know how they feel, how they think. Mm...come to think of it, isn't that very act of needing to directly know what they think and feel an act of distrust already? I mean, if I really trusted them, I'll trust them no matter what, no matter if I know or not, no matter if I hold knowledge that I can use against them or not. It's just simply, trust.

Sometimes, what I want to do with him scares me. It freaks me out. Because it's my wild side taking over, my primal side...my animal side. And whether he's worried or not, I know that when I lose control, I can hurt him. Because, I don't have only myself to deal with, but things and beings that are not controlled by me are bonded to me, and they have their own will.

I feel fucked up.



Saturday, September 10, 2005

Spent time with Az for almost the whole of yesterday, after driving. First came the Creative sale. Bought some 350 bucks stuff. Heh. But that's okay I guess, since I do need the music to keep me sane.

Met up with 3rd uncle and Edward-uncle. The latter didn't recognize me. And he asked me who Az was, so I just told the truth. Let's see how fast things spread on their side *sarcastic laugh* 3rd uncle looked haggard, and I felt really bad for him, knowing the stress he must be going through. *sighs* I like my uncle, and really don't want to see him this tired and stressed.

Sharon, Az and I went to Punggol Beach. Had some talk with Sharon. I dunno...she's changed to become more materialistic, I feel, which reflects greatly in her dress-sense these days. As we talked, though, I felt a sort of world-weariness from her, and I think that bridged the gap a little. I'm wondering, though, if that common ground will even be enough for us to truly re-start the friendship again.

Sent Sharon off at around 8pm, then Az and I headed to chill at Punggol Park until about 10.30pm. When we first sat down, I felt a sudden melancholy take me. I think that came from the fact that I was torn over my friendship with Sharon (still am, in fact), and that Az will be going for NS come Tuesday. I'll miss him. *sighs* Like I said, even though I'm starting to open up quite a bit, I'm still afraid of its implications. Even as I like him, it's my nature--my training--to be wary, to hold back.

Four weeks. Four weeks since we've been together, kind of. They've gone by in a blur that's also very sharp, very memorable: the lunches, the time spent after my knock off, the time spent with his cohort people laughing like crazy, time spent on the train...just time together, no matter how small.

Then I remember the small gestures of appreciation we have: thumbs caressing thumbs, hugs, even the choke-holds.

I guess I'll miss him more than I think I will...



Tuesday, September 06, 2005

If I'd known what it was like to be a human, I never would've chosen this path.

I feel like a big cat in too small a cage, pacing and pacing, glaring out from behind the bars, my feralness and strength and tension and energy placed bunched tightly into my whole body, muscles tight. And I'm waiting...waiting for the right moment, when those who made the cage make the tiniest mistake. And then I'll attack.

Can't take much more of this anymore. I'm roaring and tearing at my bars, gnawing and ripping the metal.

I have never fitted into this world, whether it's the corporate one, or the physical one. I know people have offered help, but there are some things another person can never help with, can never alleviate.

I keep saying I need some away from everyone. But this is the first time I've ever truly felt a compelling need to hide. From EVERYONE. Online. Offline. In other worlds.

I just need to feel alone for a bit. I feel like I'm a battery that has been drained too quickly because too many wires are constantly drawing my strength away. I feel like just taking a sleeping bag, going to Punggol Park, and just sleep amongst the trees for a week or so. Sapping my strength, sucking my spirit away.

My spirit is broken; I'm a predator fallen. I feel like I don't even have anything to give to any friend or family now. Just nothing left. Not even a frozen void or anything. I think I may need to go on a hiatus even from blogging. Impromptu one. I need a break from life itself. LOL.

Snowman just asked me about Az and I. :P Everyone's asking. *chuckles* Yeah, surprised people, and surprised both of us too.

I'm too exhausted to care much. Heh.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I find myself being able to enjoy all my times with Az. And, whenever he holds me (or we just spend time together, doing whatever), there's no strong burst of attraction there, but a gentle warmth that's comforting and soothing.

I know I care for him a lot, both as a friend, and as something more than a friend. That's why we both got together in the first place.

So I have to wonder: why do I put on masks with him as well?

If I treat my soulbonds as people too, they're people whom I don't wear masks with, 99% of the time. They know who I am, both the good and the bad. And over the years, they've accepted me for those parts.

Being with Az gives me close to the same feelings I get with Dick. And Dick is someone whom I love a lot, and will sarcrifice a lot for.

So...why? Why the masks?

I think that's because I'm still afraid. I think that of all the three of us, I'm the one who has learnt Bruce's 'way of living' the best. And it's not just ingrained in me, it's the very building blocks of who I am today. And I'm afraid it's unchangable.

I take it upon myself to try to be the best. I am someone who've been hurt so deeply, and so many times, I've walled a part of myself off forever, just like Bruce has. And like him, I've forgotten what that part was.

I actually fear. I fear that Az will see too deep, and see the ugliness within. He knows of the pain, the darkness, the killer instincts and stuff, yes. But these are...tools, and things of beauty in their own right. The ugliness I have inside is crooked, distorted, misshapened.

But if he can accept that ugliness, why do I still fear?

Honestly? I've got no answer--good or bad--for that. Or...perhaps...even though it's near impossible (in my own personal view, of course), I'm afraid that he might come to care too much, and get hurt by me in the process.

And I'm afraid that I might care too much for him, just like I do for my bonds.

I'm not worthy.