Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Certain changing relationships between one of my soulbonds and I have me feeling suspicious, surprised, almost-glad, and kind of contented, all at the same time.

I had a dream this morning. But, it was less like a dream and more like some form of cross-worlding. Because, I usually know that I'm dreaming, and know what a dream feels like. This didn't feel like a dream. Period.

Apparently, I went into AT's world, where I found ourselves in a scene I had written for a piece of fanfiction (of sorts) in that fandom. I was sick, slightly feverish, and we were hiding out at the basement of this old stone fortress because he was a criminal. I was there only because I'd given my word that I'd stay, and I wasn't one to break any promise I'd given, criminal or no.

I had lain on an old couch, with my face against the backrest. But when I woke up, somehow, I'd turned over, so that I faced out. Only, there was no 'out,' because what I faced was AT's body. He had laid down behind/in-front-of me when I was sleeping, and I had no doubt that that action was deliberate.

I saw his usual attire of snakeskin-designed shirt, loosely buttoned to reveal his chest.

Only thing is: I did something rather out of character, even for a 'dream'-me; even for a mindscape-me. I felt sensual, and there was that attraction between us. I trailed my fingers upon his chest, moving my hand over it. He didn't do anything, just remained still, and watched me. And, I felt as if he was interested, pondering, being introspective. I then unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, but didn't push it away.

What confused me (yet pleased me) was that there was no feeling or sexual arousal involved. There was sensuality, yes. But for a person like AT, it was almost-respectful, something I would NEVER have expected. Not from *him*. And I would NEVER have expected him to be attracted, not to me.

That's why I'm suspicious.

Also, that's why I'm confused.