Saturday, May 28, 2005

I think I've realized why i'm rather hung up on cutting, for a part. I actually love and appreicate them. When I look at the scars, they keep me sane. They remind me of what I am, of who I am, of my soul. They mirror the scars I have inside, and whenever I gaze at them, I'm kept sane, I'm kept...solitary.

I'm trying to just...be aware that whatever happens, I still have options and stuff, even if others don't like those options.

How can people view me as strong when the truth is, inside, I'm weak?

I need those scars to keep me real.

I've been researching since yesterday...the options I have. And I realized: these options I'm turning to now were childhood dreams, abandoned for many years. And I'm only beginning to find them back now.

1. Jockeying/farming: yep, Jillian has offered to teach me the ropes of farming and horse-riding when I go over to stay for quite some time. I'm also planning to take up horse-riding classes end of this year.

2. Cop: depending on the research I do, it'd depend on the working environment to see if it suits me. Apparently not, from what I've heard.

But yeah, well, I need to keep me real. And if not talking too frequently to my teammates (and the scars) keep me that way, good. However, I have to remember that scars are also built upon healing. And as I wound myself (both physically and psychologically), I have to let the wounds heal, to build the scars, in which inner strength comes from.