Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Mm...I'm being a slight tad assuming, I guess, but can it be?

I don't know. I don't think I'm a good person, nor anywhere near beautiful, either inside or out. I'm harsh, and extremely tainted.

Batman said in an episode of the JLU, in response to WW's statement that it was enjoyable being kids again: "I haven't been a kid since I was eight years old."

Sad, but all too true. I've gotta wonder for myself, too: how long was I a kid before I suddenly became...not one? I wasn't much older or younger than Bruce was, even if the reasons for my lost of childhood (not totally, but partly) aren't direct.

I digress.

I don't think of my soul, nor my nature, as beautiful, and I truly wonder, how can someone I like so much think of me that way? I'm not disgusted, nor was the above written in sarcasm, but in wonderment. How?

I feel it most easy to slip into self-bashing, which speaks volumes for what I think of myself. Heh. Perfectionism, as taught by dad. But then, G. likes me better without me striving for perfection. Torn both ways; which way to go?

I long to leave everything I have and go live with the family. I'm willing to do that. But they won't be happy I left my blood family just to be with them, because what they emphasize on are obligations, and responsibilities, no matter the pain and cost inflicted upon oneself.

I love D. A lot. So much so that I will overlook my suspicions, that I will go to Hell for him if need be, that I will not leave him if he needs me there. I love him for being able to be intimate with me without bringing lust into the picture, for respecting me enough to not make me lose control (though I'll admit I'm very ashamed JS makes me feel lust)...for just respecting and loving me, period.

His soul is beautiful. Hers as well.

Mine? Mine is jagged, harsh, shattered, sharp...one can be easily hurt trying to get to know who I truly am. So how can my soul be beautiful?

*sighs*