Friday, June 03, 2005

As the sun rises, let Death come for me
with her sweet smile and immortal visage;
The world with its joys mixed with griefs,
are better left to those who would love it.

Those who would return home, to where
a heart truly belongs,
let Death help him, or whom else who cares,
whose heart hearkens to those cries of the lost.

Death! Come for me now!
Heal my soul of pain and darkness and torture!
Strew my ashes from fire taken,
my dust to world's ends.

I wrote that during work today. No idea what it was. But the mood took me, and the words just came. Heh.

I still hate the fuckers in my department. I still don't know how I'm going to survive another 21 weeks of it. Endure? Forbear? How the fuck do I do that?

I was jogging this evening, after work. And I decided to take the time to go internally as well. So, with every step I jogged, I went deeper inward. And it was as if I was myself, but there was an internal dialogue going on, with a voice being my guide.

Voice: What do you see?
Me: Nothing.
Voice: Go deeper.

So I did. I went deeper internally.

Me: I'm on a road, and seeing a sky before me. It's a dirt road. The sky isn't clear. It's rather gloomy, and the colors are muted. I see black and purple and some oranges. There are grass all around me. Knee-length.

Voice: What else?

I jogged along some more, and a forest suddenly appeared before me. There was a lake somewhere too.

Voice: What's the lake like? What's its color?
Me: It's black-silver...like...neither fully black nor fully silver. Just mixing.
Voice: The forest...what do you see?

I peered into the darkness and shadows of the trees. And I felt...eyes watching me.

Me: Full of eyes. (a pause) No, a few. But not Wolf, because he's running freely in the plains. And not Eagle, for he flies in the sky. (another pause, and I suddenly realized what those eyes were...or at least, have an idea) They are my fey side...

By that time, my speed had taken me right to the edge of the forest, and I stood there.

Voice: Will you enter the forest, or turn away?
Me: I'm not ready...not now. (turns away) Maybe tonight.

And I took off at a mad dash, afraid of what lies in my own soul...afraid of the side I know is there but have always kept at bay.

What's worse is that these few days, when the Spirit of Veangence within me awoke, I've been having very...bad dreams.

The first was of me threatening a guy who was harrassing me. I told him I'd dig out his eyeballs and eat them if he didn't stop annoying me.

Last night, I dreamt I chewed off someone's finger/s.

I'm starting to feel very fey...very of the Unseelie, who loves torturing humans. Heh.

I am Wolf.

I am Eagle.

I am Dragon.

I am a fey of the Unseelie.