Friday, June 24, 2005

I hate this feeling, when I'm practically attracted to almost any and every guy friend who shows me some semblance of concern and attention. Fuck, I'm deprived. Heh.

I don't like feeling like that, because it means I can't control my emotions well enough. Perhaps I do need and want someone in this world, but I refuse to work on it, because I love Dick. Now, if I add Ren being a potential twin-soul into the equation, I've got something way to complex for me to work it out sanely.

Do I really want to throw in another guy and complicate things even more?

Dick wants me to have support here, and, for our situation, I guess I might agree. I did tell him to get with Babs if he needed it too, or I'd kick his ass.

Honestly though? No guy--or, well, extremely few--here will have an attraction for me. I'm too...I've got too strong a character for most of them to handle. I'm too dark in the soul, too edgy, too wild and too fey. I don't conform, and I break the conventions of the typical human girl they know of. I frighten them and make them uneasy, and I've seen how people--not just guys--distance themselves from me, their surface emotions jarring my empathy. I know.

There are only a selected few who've gotten past the edginess and the fear that I exude, either because I sensed enough from them to get a feel of their soul, and get an instinctive trust, or, by their very nature, they are like me, and so are unafraid.

It hurts. Until I find myself wishing either they didn't exist, or I don't.