Friday, July 22, 2005

I feel so pissed with myself. Beyond pissed, beyond feeling incompetent.

I'm just plain useless, in all aspects of my life. Little wonder why I'm the loser that I am right now.

1. Piano: I don't feel like selling it, but it's been a very sore point between my father and me for many years already. I've learnt it for about 14 years, and well...my dad's immensely disappointed that I don't have the heart for it, especially after him spending tens of thousands of dollars on that. I feel very bad, too, and have affections for this piano that has been with me for over ten years. But...but I think I need some closure on this--hurt everyone just one last time by selling it, then allow this to pass.

I'm still very unsure, though.

2. Driving: fuck myself. I failed yet again. Because of what? Minor mistakes. Careless mistakes. I cannot afford to fail yet again, for a third time. Yeah, sure, I cut down on my demerit points, and if I can take away those three immediate failures, there shouldn't be too big of a problem. But it doesn't make this failure any easier to bear. Which is funny, really, since I'm one who can usually take failure in stride...who doesn't even care about most of my own failings and failures.

I guess it's because driving is sponsored by my granddad, and to waste his money like that...I can't take it. (And, on a slightly side note: it seems that all the failures I take the hardest, are the ones in which I have...little "control" over, especially in the cases of monetary areas, such as when someone else--even my own parents--is sponsoring my "education". Because I'm obligated not only to myself, but to them as well, I take any failures in these ventures especially hard, beating myself up over it...because the responsibility is doubled, tripled, multiplied four-fold).

3. Liking someone: Yeah, well, I hate myself for being so fickle. No, it's not that I don't still love D and R. I love them still. A LOT. But they're both...discarnate...and sometimes, despite my best will, I feel a need for someone incarnate here. This is one thing. Also, I don't feel worthy of his attention, and...I guess that's why I'm withdrawing slightly, trying not to bother him so much with my problems...with my real feelings of...mm...depression, self-hate...all the darker emotions. This is one of the few times I consciously put on a thin mask towards a friend.

Also, I haven't known him well for too long, and don't want to rush things. Not like how I did with V. I've learnt my lesson.