Friday, August 12, 2005

I don't regret telling him what I did. And he doesn't regret his words, too.

So why do I feel so afraid? I think I know why, and it doesn't concern him.

I mean, I've always gone through this world practically alone, except for my family, whether incarnate or discarnate. I've got friends here, of course, but even they can't understand what I really go through, just for the simple fact alone that they are...different, "normal" if you will. I've got absolutely nothing against them. It's just...nature dictates that, I guess.

So, yes. Alone.

Being alone, and having B. as a mentor/father and having him trained me, I've grown up building up defenses upon defenses, learning mental (and physical) conditioning so that I know the make-up of my mind, the type of fortress that best suits me, the type of defense which I can wield the best. Getting together with him...it requires me to lower the drawgate to allow a crossing of the moot that's one of the defenses. It requires risk, an act of trust.

I trust him. But I'm still afraid. And honestly? This fear feels almost-crippling. *sighs*