Friday, August 05, 2005

It's much too painful to go on like this, I think, denying things when I'm in his presence, putting on a false happy front as much as I can. He knows: he sees past the front. But he doesn't know the reason for it, and I don't intend to tell him.

I mean, okay, I'll admit that I'm afraid. But being afraid doesn't even begin to cut it. It's not just fear holding me back. It's a constant knowledge--whether real or false--that I'm not good enough for him, that I'll never be good enough for him that makes me stop myself. I fear rejection too (who doesn't?). But it's mostly just the 'not good enough' thing.

I've become bitter and resentful over this fact: bitter at him and everyone else, when they've done nothing to deserve it...especially not him. I've begun to withdraw from him, being more distant, more cold. I'll still be there as a friend should he need me--a deal's a deal, after all--but...but I really don't think I can take the pain of a crushing blow and survive. I don't think I'll be able to take any crushing/hurtful words. Not this time.

I'm not sure if he notices, or if he does, he isn't saying anything. I don't want to hurt him; I don't want to hurt myself. The best thing to do would be to withdraw and distance myself.

If I break while bearing the pain alone, then so be it.