Friday, September 16, 2005

Am I starting to love him? I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm still confused about the emotions I'm feeling, and am also confused about how particularly him can awaken these emotions in the first place.

And that's the thing, the question: am I starting to love him?

As a friend, as a buddy, yes, I love him. Just because he's my friend. Just because I love all my friends.

But as someone more as a friend? I know we're together, yes. I know I like him, yes. But love?Ravi believes that love can form in a short time, even within a few days. But then, that love must be sustained and nurtured so that it can grow, or else, it'd fade away just like most other things.

I had (have?) my own criteria for what love is:
1. Have to know the person for an average of at least a year;
2. Individuality must be maintained: we don't "become one." We're two individuals who chose to be together;
3. There's no need for posession

There're some other points that elude me at the moment. But yeah. And that's the thing...I don't quite fulfill any of those, and I'm just confused by all the thoughts and events that go through me like...whenever.

Like last night, when he texted me, he felt rather cheerful and stuff. His lights-out is at 10.30pm. At around 10.40pm, he gave me one last text saying that he better go off, that he didn't want to get into trouble for not having slept yet.

Against my logic, feelings of jealousy and possessiveness flared up: am I not more important than NS? Then, logic kicked itself in, that NS is the more important, and I sure as hell don't want him to get into trouble for anything, especially not because of me. But why do these ugly feelings rise, when I know against all else that what I want is for him to be safe, be happy, and to heal properly? Why do I feel the need to want to possess, if I claim to like him? I don't want to possess him. I don't want to anything him! Fuck these emotions. He doesn't belong to me, dammit! He doesn't have to report all his actions/intentions/thoughts/whatever to me! I am not his anything!*sighs* Case...what the hell's wrong with you? Why are you such an ugly person inside? Why these emotions?

Heh, I swear that if he gets to know these, he'd be so disgusted he'd flinch away from me. And is that what I really want? I know I've been slightly happier ever since we got together, but do I really want him to be together with me as a lie, or should I let him know all these? As truths? Am I afraid of losing him? I don't know actually. I know that I respect his freedom and his choice to do what he wants, and if things don't work out between us, I'll let him go. It doesn't make the pain softer, nor the act easier, but I'll still do it.

But am I afraid? Perhaps I'm more afraid of what he'd think of me when he's with me, than what he thinks of me when he's not. Heh. I mean...I dunno. *sighs* I don't want to possess him, yet it feels like I'm doing so. Not to him, maybe, but to me, yes. Maybe because I keep struggling not to do so, and know the extent to which I *want* to. And he doesn't feel so because I've done an okay job in keeping myself in check so far.

I'm just afraid that I'll lose control one day soon and become...someone ugly. Heh.