Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Everywhere I go during lunchtime, I see memories of him. I finish my lunch at the NEA building, walk out, see the WATER condominium, and it reminded me of the time when we walked down to Newton from Orchard, planning to talk, trying to work our courage up.

I walked under the trees and remember how he'd come to lunch with me, and then we'd walk together, hands held, just being together. Simply.

I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him.

And this scares me greatly. How can I feel so much for someone whom I don't know past a year? I know feelings have their own mind, their own logic. But this is...scary. I care too much for him, and I suspect that one day, it might be my downfall, my bane.

It's that simple feeling of just being...together. Without reserve, without fear, without the obligation of having to be fake. It's the feel of being together like friends, like oneself.

It's knowing that I'm so vulnerable when I'm with him that makes me afraid. Especially because I've got no direct rapport with him, not like I have with my bonds, so I know how they feel, how they think. Mm...come to think of it, isn't that very act of needing to directly know what they think and feel an act of distrust already? I mean, if I really trusted them, I'll trust them no matter what, no matter if I know or not, no matter if I hold knowledge that I can use against them or not. It's just simply, trust.

Sometimes, what I want to do with him scares me. It freaks me out. Because it's my wild side taking over, my primal side...my animal side. And whether he's worried or not, I know that when I lose control, I can hurt him. Because, I don't have only myself to deal with, but things and beings that are not controlled by me are bonded to me, and they have their own will.

I feel fucked up.