Saturday, September 03, 2005

I find myself being able to enjoy all my times with Az. And, whenever he holds me (or we just spend time together, doing whatever), there's no strong burst of attraction there, but a gentle warmth that's comforting and soothing.

I know I care for him a lot, both as a friend, and as something more than a friend. That's why we both got together in the first place.

So I have to wonder: why do I put on masks with him as well?

If I treat my soulbonds as people too, they're people whom I don't wear masks with, 99% of the time. They know who I am, both the good and the bad. And over the years, they've accepted me for those parts.

Being with Az gives me close to the same feelings I get with Dick. And Dick is someone whom I love a lot, and will sarcrifice a lot for.

So...why? Why the masks?

I think that's because I'm still afraid. I think that of all the three of us, I'm the one who has learnt Bruce's 'way of living' the best. And it's not just ingrained in me, it's the very building blocks of who I am today. And I'm afraid it's unchangable.

I take it upon myself to try to be the best. I am someone who've been hurt so deeply, and so many times, I've walled a part of myself off forever, just like Bruce has. And like him, I've forgotten what that part was.

I actually fear. I fear that Az will see too deep, and see the ugliness within. He knows of the pain, the darkness, the killer instincts and stuff, yes. But these are...tools, and things of beauty in their own right. The ugliness I have inside is crooked, distorted, misshapened.

But if he can accept that ugliness, why do I still fear?

Honestly? I've got no answer--good or bad--for that. Or...perhaps...even though it's near impossible (in my own personal view, of course), I'm afraid that he might come to care too much, and get hurt by me in the process.

And I'm afraid that I might care too much for him, just like I do for my bonds.

I'm not worthy.