Monday, October 10, 2005

I had another breakdown last night, for reasons I still can't fathom. I don't know what triggered it, but at least it wasn't a big one, though some tears came. But I was able to keep a large amount of control over myself, and handled things okay without anyone knowing about it.

But what I felt was a fear of vulnerability, exhaustion, and an almost-total disgust at myself, with intense lack of self-confidence. I think what worried me the most last night was the potential scolding I might get from Wei Min for losing his key. Although, that worry provided space for self-reflection and introspection regarding an important portion of myself: the lack of self-confidence.

I've never had the level of self-confidence people think I should have, what with me frequently showing some form of arrogance and all. But in all honesty, even with the best thing I have the aptitude in, I have no more than an estimationg of 30% of confidence that I can do the same thing, the next time.

What bothers me is the why. Why, even with my best aptitude, don't I have enough confidence in what I can do, even for that particular field alone?

I'm getting tired of doubting myself, of doubting my abilities, even though I've done many of them in the past, and done them quite well, I think. I guess that it might be the training B. brought me up with: that things can go wrong, and will always go wrong in each individual circumstance, that we have to prepare for all eventualities.

That's why, even at my best, I believed that things won't be at their best, because factors will always crop up: factors which I can't control, and thus, can't calculate.

Like I said, I'm getting very tired of it. And I lost sleep last night over this point. This morning, I feel a change...I feel a *need* to change. I feel a need to know that I can do things, and, more importantly, *believe* that because I know how to do things, that I can actually do them.

But before I start, I think it's vital to define to myself just what I need to change, what I need to work on. Or else I'll just be like an archer holding a bow, already with a notched arrow and the string drawn, but not knowing where to shoot.

So, here goes, I guess:
1. Self-confidence
2. Selfishness
3. Arrogance
4. Courage

I think four is quite enough for a start, at least for my part. I've got a feeling someone might put 'anger' as one of the points, but honestly? I like my rage, and bad as it might be, I've got no intention to rectify that in the near future. So...I might try working on #1 and #5 simultaneously with some crazy ideas, and hope that I don't sustain too many injuries. Heh.

I really want to go farming after graduation next year, but I've looked at my resources, and it seems a bit hard to achieve. My dad wants me to further my studies, and I'm trying to see if I can study at the Singapore-based Monash University from Australia. It'd enable me to get a PR in Australia much easier that way. Will e-mail them tonight to see what sort of credits I can get with my diploma.

But Monash Uni's modules seem a bit dry to me, especially after the modules I took in TP. Also, some of the modules overlap, like the media and society, journalism, marketing modules, and some others. I think I can request for credits for these...

Honestly, though, I still want to farm. But I need the resources to learn it in the first place. And I only want to go to Australia because Jillian's there and she has agreed to teach me what she knows. I'd much prefer going to somewhere in Northern Europe to farm.

I know how to drive already, which will makes things easier abroad. I just checked out Ubi's motorcycle lessons. They are freaking expensive, even for just a class 2B. Gah. And I gotta take 2B before I can take 2A and then 2. And it's quite dangerous if I take it within this year till September 29 next year, since I'm still on "probation" for my Class 3 car license. If I get that license revoked within this period, hallelujah to me!

I'm tired of people making use of me, without some semblance of appreciation or thanks. Sharon has changed, and a lot. Not that I haven't. But c'mon, two years of what comes close to friendship being destroyed just because she wants to fit in that badly? I'm so tempted to snap at her, "If you want to go apply for your basic theory, go do it yourself! I'm not meeting you to bring you there, or helping you with anything until you actually WANT to do it. And I'm not doing it until you stop telling me you want to do it, and then consequently just leave the conversation without a word to go do your own sweet thing and expect me to wait."

Ignoring her or any other attempts at conversation with her until I'm less pissed.

I'm not sure if I said this: but Khai found someone. My soul brother. I'm gladdened greatly by the news, and hope that he'll find healing after all this time.

And I just love WM, the other supervisor (no, not in that way, heh). I found out that I lost my letterbox key and the key to his office cupboard, and was freaking out and all, texting him and apologizing. I came into the office today and asked him for the spare key, and said sorry once more. He was quite mild and nice about it, just asking me nicely if I could go duplicate one more. And of course I will. The key was my responsibility and I lost it. I'd already thought of offering to do it before he'd even asked. But still, whew.

I haven't lost anything for YEARS, and this one just broke my clean record of about six years. Gah. Must take new and extra preventive measures to lose anything in public ever again. I hate the trauma that comes with losing things...

Great. Director's being a bitch again, heh. Not at me, though; at another colleague.