Thursday, October 06, 2005

I had a dream last night, of which I can only recall vaguely. This one affected me also, and I'm starting to see a pattern of sorts on which sort of dreams have an impact on me and make me feel as though they might have been real, and not just mere dreams...that they *did* happen.

Yesterday's one went something like:

My female friend (dunno who) and I were searching for something to occupy our time with, a course of sorts perhaps. we came upon this military? academy grounds, and went in to look. Surprisingly, we weren't stopped or anything. It was night (or nearing night), and the grounds were rather deserted. So we just walked around and explored, looking for people.

Then, we came to this pool area, where we saw all the students, and this single male instructor here. Everyone except for my friend and me were guys. The pool was dark, and felt very deep, as the male instructor saw us and waved us in. Not as recruits, though, but as equals...of sorts, though that feeling seemed reserved only for me.

I didn't seem to know him well, but felt a strange sense of familarity, like he was an acquaintance of sort whom I should at least remember.

The recruits were very young; most of them seemed like boys of around seven to ten years. They were sitting on these sort of stuff that looked like those small...boats you had to keep cycling on to move. What was strange was that as I entered the water, I felt that it was very, very deep, and I had to tread water to keep afloat. But that instructor was still: he didn't tread water, didn't anything, but he still kept his head above water. As he moved about, it seemed as if he *walked* on it.

I was disgusted at the way he was training these kids, especially since the kids seemed tired and terrified, paddling, paddling, paddling. When I saw one of those...boats going down, I recalled swimming over and propping it up with some effort, until that instructor shook his head? and came over, propping it back into place.

Then, behind him, another kid and boat started sinking, no matter how hard the kid paddled. I started to go over, when the guy stopped me. We had a glaring contest until I practically screamed at him to go help the kid. He held my eyes for a few seconds more before grudgingly doing so.

I'd been disgusted at this training and his actions, and signalled to my friend that I was getting out of this place. She was nearer the exit (there was no ramp; we had to hoist ourselves up just like that) and got to dry ground first. I had swam over and had grabbed the edge of the pool, and was just about to get up when the instructor's hand landed on my shoulder, stopping me. I turned and growled at him, but he was surprisingly gentle and subdued (at least towards me). There was a sort of...hurt? I saw in his eyes, that reminded me of a wounded soul. And I couldn't help staring. I think he then asked if he could meet me later that night, when everything was finished.

I'd hesitated at first, but then nodded. I couldn't remember anything after that. Mm...

(Damned, I'm so fucking tired, and tired of this place also. Gah. I've lost all motivation to do things. It's as if with the impending end of internship, the drive to do things properly has faded. And like YL said, the last month is probably the worst time to screw up.

But I'm very lethargic of this place already. I want to leave. NOW.)

I realized that the dreams I have which always impact me the most are:

1. Dreams of healing: usually of me seeing the deep and/or hidden pain of someone, and feeling some sort of empathy and compassion towards the person, so that I end up healing/trying/agreeing to heal him/her. I'm wondering if these urges to heal are the drive for my practices in shamanism.

2. Dreams of fighting/battles: Because my nature is very chaotic, I think these leak over into dreams. Especially my sadistic nature.

3. Dreams of shifts: I feel powerful whenever I have dream-phenotype-shifts, whether into wolf, eagle or dragon. I feel even better if it was dragon, and then I'm facing demons or spirits.

Heh. I really ought to brush up on my shamanic practices and rituals more. But I think the most important thing is to heal myself first, because how can I heal others when I haven't even started to *learn* how to heal myself?

I feel like crying. I feel like crying for this pain and this exhaustion that won't stop. I feel like crying for my lost freedom. I feel like crying because I can't cry anymore.

Very, very tired. My body and my soul are both very pained and aching. I feel my body spoiling and destroying itself as my tailbone grates upon itself.

I went to take a walk after lunchtime, and felt only such a sense of profound exhaustion that the world was like in a haze. Nothing seemed important anymore, nor dangerous, nor worthy of attention. All that I cared about was rest, was to rest. I wanted to sleep, to sleep for a hundred years, not waking up at all.

Heh. Nice wish.

Last night, when I turned off my lights to go to bed, the moment the lights were off, I felt paranoid, afraid, freaked out. I quickly went to bed and pulled the blanket over me, certian that something was in the room, watching me. I was almost quivering with fear, until I thought of shifting to dragon.

And, strangely enough, this shift was...strong. I more than felt myself being dragon, I *saw* myself being dragon at the same time. It's as if I was "bi-locating", being dragon but looking at myself at the same time. My hide is a very rusty red, and my eyes are yellow or amber. And my dragon side likes danger, loves being malicious to danger. And it despises the fear and weaknesses of the human taboos I had been brought up with.

Because, when I'd shifted and was using my draconic senses to see if there was truly anything I needed to fight with, no, there was nothing. But the human side was still jumpy, fearful, paranoid. And I'm glad I had learnt how to differentiate between true instincts and mere paranoia.

Gah.