Saturday, October 01, 2005

I never thought that I'd lose control like that, and cry in the presence of another, especially someone who's not family. I never thought that gentleness can break through my fortress so easily and reach my vulnerability without much difficulty.

He's right. I'm weighed down with many cares, and many fears, and I dare not reveal them. For fear of...? Honestly, I don't know. I'm rarely one to be scared of being shamed/ashamed, since I am independent enough in that aspect to know that I rarely need others' opinions, and those don't bother me much.

I told him that I'm not afraid of pain and hurt. And to a very great extent, that is true, especially since I've been through those so much they're almost-constant companions already. But at the same time, I've been hurt so deeply before that I don't want to go through *fresh* pain, I guess. What I'm dealing with is residual pain...and yes, I'm used to it. Doesn't mean that I want to go through another round of it.

I'm also afraid to trust, and this I told him. I'm afraid that I'll trust him too much, and also afraid that I already am trusting him so much.

He just held me tightly, and let me cry it out, telling me that it's okay (to cry), telling me to find rest in his arms.

I guess that either I really feel comfortable enough with him to show this weakness, or I'm just too plain tired to care.

My MSN nick: *Thank you* for showing me how to weep without shame.
His nick: Have faith in me, and I will show you.

*sighs*

Do I really deserve this/him?