Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I thought about Az on the train ride to work this morn, and found that, by God, I missed him. A lot.

Next Wednesday is the twelfth. Which means we've been together for two months. I had a sudden thought to send him a "Happy two months" text, but then, something stopped me. I guess perhaps it's because I've never been a typical girl, even for a fake human, but I thought that if we kept reiterating the fact of "Happy (insert number here) months," what point is there after a while? Is there really a *need* to remember how many months we've been together? Does time really matter?

I think what I can say is that time does matter, but only to an extent. 40% perhaps? Because it is only with time that one can build up a proper relationship; and only with time that one can know how much they have gone through together, on average.

But for the other 60%, time doesn't matter, because a solid relationship isn't just built on that alone, but also from many other factors. I know that just one month together, and we've already started things in each other that refused to be started for years, even with help from others.

He's taught me how to learn to trust again, but also to be careful of that trust, even with him. He taught me sanity, taught me compassion, taught me how to be comfortable with myself, even with him.

We both are disillusioned enough by things to know that however hard we try, we're going to hurt each other one day, both of us. I think it's quite inevitable in a relationship.

And I...I started his healing (basing on what he told me). I taught him how to be less afraid of pain again. I don't know what else I helped/taught him with, but I hoped that he's become less pained, and will heal fully, eventually.

It's tough, not knowing what will happen anytime, anywhere.

I'm looking through pictures now, not having anything to do for the moment. I went to Yahoo to search for pictures of "lonely roads." The search came up with various pictures, one of which was the silhouette of a car driving towards the camera, with its headlights turned on, and the setting sun casting a brilliant gold-red in the sky behind the car.
http://www.dramainnature.com/_borders/LoneCaronHwy550Poster.JPG

And I have to wonder: why do pictures like this one stir up such emotions in me? Why do pictures of the wide open sea, the horizon, the mountains, the forests, running streams, clouds, the sunset, twilight, moonlight all create such...sweet sorrow within? And it's poignant sorrow,
that one wants to indulge in and endure over and over again, just for its sheer beauty, just for the sheer...meaning it embodies.

But...what meaning? I've tried for ages but have not yet been able to answer that. What meaning is there in a sunset, in a butterfly flying, in the horizon, in the bubbling brook? I know those are beautiful. But WHY? It's as if my soul recognizes something in those scenes. But what? WHAT? The innocence in those? The simplicity? The purity?Why do images like this one make my heart so pained?
http://maplehill2.homestead.com/files/t3348b.jpg

Maybe these remind me of times that are better, that are more...honest. Heh.

17 days more after today. At least I'm reaching a point where I can actually count down in *days* instead of weeks and months.

Anyways.

I'm wondering if I even have an amygdala in my brain, or if that part is only half-formed. I was showering one day, and just letting my mind wander, and then I suddenly realized that to an extent, I'm very much like Amygdala in the Batman series, a villian who was born without that
part of his brain, and thus can't control his emotions, and goes berserk.

I'm wondering if mine is half-formed, since I find myself frequently losing control, needing more and more will to rein my emotions in. Wonder if going to a neurologist to check it out will be expensive. Heh.