I was having a moment of strong doubt this morn, over relationships, and my ability to handle them. So, I was having this possible scenario playing out in my head, though it seemed and felt very much like a vision instead of just me wondering:

I sat with him on the grassy bank overlooking the lake we frequent. Because we'd decided things weren't working out, we chose to have a talk, and break away amiably. We were sitting side by side, mirroring each other's position, with our arms hugging our own knees.

We wanted to remain friends, but were talking about our fears: how would we know whether a simple touch as friends breaches any lines of intimacy that should be broken when we aren't together anymore?

Then I turned to see a girl standing a distance away, looking at us, and knew that she was the girl he (now) was with. So I told him, "You better go. She's waiting for you, and she seems a bit...jealous. You should talk to her." A pause. "I'd introduce myself to her but she doesn't seem so happy already."

So we got up and walked towards the girl, and he stood beside her. I'd said a simple, "hi," and continued gazing at them. Then I suddenly told him to let me talk to the girl, and he walked away for a bit.

I faced her, and said simply, "You don't have to be jealous of us. He's a great guy. You'll share with him what he shared with me: a part of his life. What we had was real, but it's over. And as you help him, my time with him will fade into the past like the fading of memories. Help him heal. And let him help you heal."

Then I walked away.

What bothered me about this whole...scenario is the fact that it didn't feel as if I imagined it more than it was a vision of sorts, a premonition of things to come, of things to happen. And while I'm not one who believes totally in oracle-ish visions, this one was...disturbing. This one shook me slightly at the core, with promises of pain to come, which I have to bear alone.

It's stupid that I should be so affected by visions and premonitions, especially since I know that Destiny's paths are many, and changing, and that what I saw might not come to pass. But still.

With slightly less than three weeks to the end of internship, the lethargy seems to have rebuilt the wall which first existed between my colleagues and I. I feel more alone, more cut off from them--and from everything else--than ever. I have no mood to do anything, no mood to truly listen. I have no mood to *want* to go on.

Monica told me that Kenny Yong has finished visiting Cheryl and Terry at Reeds, will be visiting her on Wednesday (not sure this or next) and will be coming to visit me soon. When she said that, I couldn't help but give a bitter laugh: what's the point of him coming? What does he hope to achieve?

I realize I've grown even more bitter than I had. I don't like pity nor sympathy from others; empathy is fine only for a while. I don't like it when others say they understand but can help with nothing to alleviate the situation. Don't bother telling me shit when there's nothing you can do. Don't bother saying, "I understand," because, most of the time, you don't. If life is to be so full of changes until one can't catch up with it, then fuck it, what's the point of living it?

With Samhain coming, I hope to be able to get back in touch with my soulbonds, because I miss them a lot. I don't want to lose so much just because they are there but we can't talk. And I keep wanting to be able to get in touch with Ace Cooper (The Magician) and Cosmo, but have never gotten around to doing it. Heh. Maybe I'll talk to Jas or John tonight, and see what we can do.

Apathy's setting in again. I don't care about anything anymore; I just want sleep. And honestly, Monica's attempted and forced cheerfulness is starting to get to me really bad; and I want to shout at her to shut up, that the world won't work itself out, that things won't 'be okay'.