Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm sick of this place. Eighteen-and-a-half days more. I don't think my tolerance is very good nowadays, and I really am trying not to kill or hurt the people here.

I'm tired and bitchy and feeling predatory. But more of tired. And I'm really tired of having to deal with crap like humans, whether in the workplace or out of it. But especially in the workplace.

If I walk away now, turn away and never return, who'll mourn for my loss? Heh. Truth be told, I'm still skeptical about Az's feelings for me, though not by any of his fault, and purely by mine alone. I mean, I've never been one to fully (be able to) trust another's words and actions. And I keep feeling as if he might just be sorry for me, and that's why he's concerned, that's why he cares.

I'm really, really tempted to make a deal with Lucifer now. By the Valar, I am. I feel the remnants of exhaustion and worse-than-apathy filling in. By God, how the hell am I going to survive these 19 days? Though, of course, after having survived the last 160 or so days, 19 shouldn't seem that big of a hurdle, yes?

*sighs* I don't know. I guess it's right in a sense, and I really should stop whining like some fucking spoilt bitch.

I changed mobile phones twice in a week. First from the Nokia 3100, because my plan was almsot up, to the Samsung E630C, and then to the Nokia 6020 yesterday. The Samsung one sucked like fucking hell. The interface was almost non-existant, and the functions were few and unwieldy. I'll support Nokia all the way. Gah. Will never change brands again.

Sleepy. Very sleepy.

I miss Bruce, and Dick, and Alfred, and Tim and Ren. I miss all my soulbonds. Bruce has been the only one whom I could contact, and even then, only sparodically. Honestly? He feels...changed, somewhat. He's still as dark as before (perhaps even more so), but he also feels a little...lighter, as if he has been given greater strength to carry the same burdens, even though the burdens were not lessened.

I wonder how Dick is doing. I wonder what he thinks of Az. I wonder if Bruce has told him, or if he even knows already. How has our relationship changed? Because I have someone incarnate, I've drifted away from him more? A little, I think, because my attention is now split between the 'discarnate' and 'incarnate' realms. But when all's been said and done...who is he to me, honestly?

Friend, yes.

Partner, yes.

Brother, definitely.

Lover? Perhaps.

I know I love him dearly, and love him a lot. But does that constitute to being a lover?

A road to nowhere
I'm walking on a road, gravel beneath my feet
Strength ebbing because I've travelled too long
But when I raised my eyes to look, what I saw
was only the same thing, same place, same moment
Though time had passed.

Exhausted, I sit, feeling the heat on my back
I felt the wind blow, strong
The clouds pass by above, unbound by chains
I thought: there must be something wrong.

My feet took me up again, steps straight and sure
Forward, forward I was pulled along
And when I looked back, I was still at
the same place, same moment, different time.

There must be something wrong, I thought still
The clouds are moving, but they're not real
Are they? Am I?
There's something wrong.
And I walked off the road.
To nowhere, somewhere, everywhere...