Tuesday, November 15, 2005

In all honesty, I've got no idea why I should even feel jealous in the first place at all.

Yes, we talked about my ugly feelings last Saturday, after I held him, trying to give him strength and comfort when he talked about his sense of being lost.

I told him about the feelings of possession, and also about the jealousy. I told him I didn't know why I was jealous. He asked if it was because he hung out with his female friends a lot.

Heck, no! Dammit, if I felt jealous over such a trivial matter, which, in the first place, shouldn't even matter at all, what kind of a person have I brought myself up to be? We all need our friends: male, female, asexual, whatever. Myself, I've got a lot more guy friends than girl ones, just because I'm very boyish, and hang out a lot with my buddies.

I told him I didn't know, which was a lie. Heh. It wasn't only fear and feeling stupid which stopped me. The person I'm jealous of is a friend of his, a girl whom he had liked only...last year? I've met her only once, and by God, I try so hard not to judge people.

I dunno. Why, Case? Why?

Because he merely liked her for her sweetness, for being able to induce a smile in him without doing anything in particular on her part?

Because she shared a past with him I never did?

Because, because, because.

Because I'm just an insecure, fucked up person, whose harder side wants to ruin someone. Heh.

Ain't I someone, indeed? *bitter laugh*