Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Balance.

How does one find a balance in a relationship? in life? in everything one does?

He wwas bogged down with worry, with a lot of frustration over many things, one of which was his feeling helpless with regards to me.

I'm not the easiest person to handle, I know; mostly because I don't like to burden people with my problems, with my darkness, with my need for solitude. What weighs me down the most is the fact that I was the one who contributed to it.

Bleah.

Internal paradigm shifts. My whole perspective on things has been twisted, broken, and reformed. And, it is now going through the whole process again, on the way to fixing itself back into another shape I can't make out for now.

I've never been so sure of where I want to go, but yet, never so full of doubts. It's like the mountaineer who climbs to the top of the highest peak, upwards, into the clouds, into the fog, longing for a chance to gaze far off. And, when he reaches the top, his reward is to see but glimpses of the far off he was working so hard for: the clouds move, part, and re-merge, never allowing for more than brief moments of clearness, but are always so hiding of their sights.

Honestly, I can't help but to retreat within myself, into the emotional fortress I've built under the guidance of B. I need time to sort things out, for these shifting perspectives to fit into some sort of a pattern, before I can make sense of them. I find myself unable to emphatize with people. I find myself getting annoyed very easily; getting very snappish at the merest hint of insult or annoyance. I find myself needing, craving for space, both within and without, needing space from people everywhere. I simply cannot relate to anyone at the moment. While things are changing inside, I'm cold, apathetic, uncaring; I don't want anyone to bother me.

That's why I can't wait for the drum to arrive. And I hope it does, soon. I still feel the deep beats of the bodhran coursing through me; I dream of the drum and its beats, connecting me to the earth. I can't wait for the Tarahumara drum I ordered to arrive. Then I will go out into nature, and drum, singing and dancing with it.

I'm rather confused nowadays, torn apart inside, tormented by self-created and external demons. I don't need nor want anyone to pull me in any direction any further. I don't need to feel more messed up.