Monday, January 15, 2007

Been almost a year since my last post.

I think maybe I should come back to this place more often: this place of almost-true solitude, where I like to believe no one else but me knows exists. And well, maybe the random stranger whose opinions I don't care for.

I've gone through fluctuations, ups and downs and ins and outs. And I'm no closer to my goal of being away than the last time I wrote.

I say I'm exhausted, and I truly am; exhausted, defeated, dejected, and discouraged. But who am I to complain, really? Who am I to say I am all of those when I see friends and loves also going through the same thing, and still trudging on, though valiantly or not, I don't know.

It has actually come to the point where there is no more pain, no more drive, no more hurt, and no more apathy. Everything has come to a stage of simply being numb. And I find myself being numb to all else: to school, to the act of looking for a job, to horseriding.

Where has everything gone?

I've never felt so old as I do now.

And yet, I'm still in this status quo of my life. I'm still abiding by my dad's rules, living in his house, semi-relying on him financially.

I thought I couldn't care less; I thought I didn't care anymore.

So why am I still here?

Begone, begone
You are a mere wraith